It hurts being lonely. I feel that the last 3 years I have been in isolation. With more and more friends growing apart as you age, I never felt so disconnected from others than I do now.
I grew a lot as a person in this city, but what hurts is that the little friends I had left here, only 1 asked to make arrangements before I go. I did ask other friends to see them or to tell them when I’m free, but they don’t seem interested, and I won’t ask again. This is painful. Just a realislzation I already knew. This is devastating and humiliating.
It hurts being this lonely.
I’m sorry you’re feeling so lonely. I can certainly understand why this reaction to you leaving can rub salt in that old wound.
You mentioned that you grew a lot during your time in this city. That’s great, and it sets a stronger internal foundation for you on your new adventure! Something that might be important to consider is that can be difficult to form lasting friendships in times of change. In my experience, this is especially true when it comes to internal changes.
I know for me, maintaining friendships that I’ve made during these kinds of times can be really challenging. It means I’m likely more focused on myself (which is perfectly fine and healthy) and not in the most stable place in one way or another where reciprocal relationship building can be prioritized. That doesn’t mean you and your friend group don’t really care about each other, but rather that we can only offer and receive the support we need in the circumstances we’re given.
I truly hope you don’t write these friendships off. It very well could be that your friends wanted to show up for you more, but they didn’t know how without being intrusive feeling like they’re stepping on your toes. Maybe not, but it’s worth keeping that door open in my opinion. Things may look differently when you’re settled and these raw feelings wear off.
Either way, you’re starting an exciting new chapter that’s going to bring a lot of different opportunities. It seems like you have a clear idea of what you want and are currently missing, so you can take that knowledge and be mindful of prioritizing building a new community.
If I’m projecting too much of my own bullshit here I apologize. I wish you all the best in your move!
If it helps, I moved out of a city I lived in… 7 years? Not a single goodbye. Not even from my closer friends, people who came to my wedding (years later) who were busy with their own shit when I moved. We kept in touch over text and whatnot after that. We were in an improv troupe together, we did my last show, I moved out a week later and that was that.
Try not to get your feelings hurt (lol I know that’s impossible) but remember this isn’t truly reflective of your relationship. People will say goodbye if you have a big party or you pull them aside to let them know. Otherwise it just doesn’t register. They busy. They have their own big worries. It’s not that you’re not important to them, it’s that they have their own stresses.
Being alone and feeling lonely aren’t the same. You could be mostly isolated from the world around you and feel fine. You could be surrounded by people but feel lonely.
You still have at least one person who cares, and that’s great. Some people have more, others have fewer. The number doesn’t really correlate with how you feel, because people don’t need the same amount of social interaction. Apparently, you would prefer more, hence the loneliness. How about a social hobby of some sort?
Anyway, this may also explain why other people didn’t bother saying goodbye. Maybe they don’t feel lonely at all.
I didn’t like this comment at all.
Yeah, sorry. I’m awkward like that. Couldn’t come up with a way to cheer you up. Socialising is hard.
It’s not the quantity but the quality. One good friend is better than 10 or even 100 acquaintances. I can count the number of true friends I have on a single hand and I wouldn’t swap them for any amount of “friends” that don’t give 2 shits about me and just want to “hang out”.
Be happy you made a friend who cares and cherish it.
It’s not the quantity but the quality.
Agreed. I have about 10 really good friends. I have thousands of other acquaintances, people I know and like, and friends who aren’t as involved.
Those ten are worth all the rest all by themselves.
at least you have that one friend. How many times I left a place for a new one, and there was no one there. No one there for the wins, no one there for the losses
A friend showed up to see you off, that’s a win mate
People come and go out of your life. Try not to take it personally.
With this digitally connected world, when a friend leaves the city that doesn’t have to be the end of the friendship. One of my best friends moved to another city 3 hours away. We still talk or text a few times every month. We meet in person a few times a year when they’re in my city or I’m in theirs. Sometimes we drive to meet at a third city between our two cities. We’ve met up and gone on multiple vacations with each other with our spouses. He moved away over 25 years ago to be closer to family when he was raising his first child. We certainly had busy lives of our own in adulthood, but that doesn’t mean we lost that friendship. We are still close today.
Is it possible some of your friends feel the same about you where they believe the distance won’t diminish your friendship? As in, they do have lives and commitments they have to do so they don’t have the opportunity to meet you before you finally move, but that they fully expect to be in your life even after you leave your city so they don’t see missing a final dinner in your city as final?
I moved to a new country a year ago. I did have a couple people saying goodbye but for the most part it was pretty lonely feeling. My ex spouse who I’d been with for nearly 13 years and have maintained a good friendship with since divorce was one of the ones that didn’t really say goodbye, that hurts still. I think it was too difficult for them to confront that we will very likely never see each other again. I don’t know your friends but it could be some of them are feeling similarly, maybe some don’t realize the importance, or even there could be people thinking you have support so their contribution isn’t impactful while not seeing that a bunch of people doing that creates a bigger void
I would reach out to some of them again and tell them it is important to you that you do something with them specifically. Be open. Asking once might not have conveyed what you need and they may not realize the importance and gravity of being there for you
As far as getting through it moving is really difficult. Look forward to what you can do at your new place and try to train yourself to not get lost in the past. It’s easier said than done I still struggle with it despite having done this a lot. It’s important though. You can take your growth and everything you’ve learned and work towards what you want and need more efficiently but you need to be pointing forward to go anywhere
I went through something like that a decade and a half ago, in my shut in NEET days. I’m truly sorry, loneliness and feeling like nobody cares suck worse than many other things. Maybe you’ll find a life partner wherever you’re going next, who knows? I certainly wish it for you. And hey, at least you have us internet strangers, it’s not much but it’s something! 🥲👍
I feel this so much.
I feel it.
Come to Portland or Seattle. Go to a furry convention. We’re fast friends with everyone that isn’t rude, and we tend to be kind to all creatures.
Literally, though. Try it.
Real
