Guardian angel/Kimber pepperblaster (depends on your country) is a hell of a pepper gel delivery device. It’s tiny, potent, and pocketable. For home there’s plenty of reason to have a nice big plumbing wrench or other blunt heavy object within reach.

That said, not that I would recommend it, I was in that boat for a long time, and made it through. But that’s tainted heavily by survivorship bias. I was lucky, there were only a few days where the thoughts went from their normal constant background hum to a real foreground “oh shit” level; in those moments first thing I did was lock away ammo, cable lock the pistol, everything went in the safe, keys for safe ammo and cable lock all went in different locations. Then call someone to talk the feelings through.

Are you actively working on your mental health? Any therapy/meds/counseling?

I’m sorry you have to go through this comrade