I hope this question is not too weird (if so just tell me and I’ll delete it).
As a 21 year old guy from Germany I always admired Americans. What particularly impressed me was their social skills, their outgoing/confident nature and humor.
I don’t know if it’s also connected with being a German but I’m generally a very shy and introverted person. I have very strong social anxiety and just when someone in public or a neighbor sees me, it creates this overwhelming anxiety because I’m so scared that I will embarrass myself and be awkward because I have very bad self esteem and don’t know what to say and how to act. So most of the time I end up saying nothing and hiding myself which is very awkward or I say the bare minimum like to the grocery store cashier like only “Hello” and “Thanks, bye”. I have this extreme amount of shame that’s blocking me.
Germans might often generally be introverted or awkward but I’m on a whole different level.
Then Americans seem like this stark contrast which feels like the exact opposite. It feels like Americans are on a different level of confidence and extroversion than any country I know.
That makes it almost impossible for me to interact with an American as it creates this immense pressure on me (also cause English isn’t my native language).
Even on a daily basis the way they’re having small talks in grocery stores or talk to strangers that they’re walking by seems impossible for me. And I’m afraid that if I ever would go to the US and people talk to me that I would be extremely awkward and don’t say anything and wouldn’t be able to smile. And I’m afraid that this might come over as rude and they think bad of me.
I really would wanna interact with an American in person cause it seems like it could be so enriching but right now that seems impossible.
I was wondering if there is anything particular that makes Americans so good at that or if they have any secret. Or maybe they’re just on a different level cause they’re from the best country in the world and are the best/most capable people in the world.
Cause it’s my ultimate dream to be on that same level and interact with people like Americans.
Maybe it’s impossible for me to get to anything near that and I will simply never be good enough.
I can’t tell if this is serious or not, because as an American I think we are one of the worst people to try and model your behavior on.
If you want the answer; it’s a combination of privilege, ignorance, and a lack of shame.
That ingrained confidence, though not universal to all Americans, is generally rooted in their position of privelage and power. They don’t worry about what others think because they have had the power to shove aside anyone who complained and are taught that the seat of moral legitimacy is the individual. If you want to have that same kind of confidence, just pretend you are invulnerable and have more money than god, and then assume that anyone who disagrees with you is just wrong. That’ll get you most of the way there.
maybe they’re just on a different level cause they’re from the best country in the world and are the best/most capable people in the world.
You’re joking right? Lol
Assuming this is serious a lot of Americans suffer from social anxiety but if we want employment we have to pretend to not be that way. We can also be heavily judged by others for introversion. The extreme extroverts you meet are like that because that’s what it takes to survive. For some it comes easy but not for all of us.
There are plenty of Americans who suffer from the exact same kind of social anxiety and lack of social confidence that you’re describing. If you’re only meeting or observing Americans who are traveling or living in Germany then your sample is skewed towards the kind of people who have the confidence and experience to travel internationally.
It sounds to me like you would benefit from talking to a therapist who could help you manage your social anxiety, but if you didn’t want to do that for whatever reason, I would try treating small talk as a skill that you’re trying to get better at. Set yourself a small daily goal - like having one chat about the weather with a cashier while you’re shopping. You can’t skip right to being an expert at small talk; you need to gain confidence and experience. I would like to say to you, in my experience, it’s easiest to talk about things you’re interested in or passionate about. Are there any groups or clubs that meet to engage in hobbies you like? A group like that can help you break through the awkwardness of not knowing what to talk about.
Personally, I think you sound like a thoughtful, interesting person, and I bet you’d be fun to talk to. Don’t be so hard on yourself, and remember that everyone has these feelings; it’s perfectly natural and not something to get down on yourself about. Sorry for writing a whole novel, but I hope this was helpful in some small way!
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There’s an underlying requirement in America to have some level of confidence and to at least act somewhat extroverted in order to have some level of success. It’s genuine for some but for others, myself included, it’s a bit forced and faked… we’re just doing what we think we need to do in order to make it
But when you’ve earned the confidence it feels really good
If you’re working on getting somewhere, keep at it.
I guess it’s good there’s this requirement because I think it’s a very valuable and important skill. And sadly no one ever taught me this cause my mom always used to do the talking and managing for us when we were kids and that made me very shy and insecure.
Fake it till you make it and fuck all the haters
I wish I could fake it but I literally have no clue how to. I don’t have the slightest idea how to behave extroverted in public and even if I would try to do it I would look even more awkward since I’m so insecure and it would seem very fake and weird (and I don’t wanna traumatize people with that level of awkwardness). The only place I’m able to be confident is when I’m on my own or I’m with good friends.
The thing is, you pay way more attention to your behavior than other people do. At least half of them out there have the exact same insecurities. For real. And they’re focused on themselves just like you are.
So it’s okay, just do your thing :)
So, you have to realize that you’re going to remember how you act waaay more than anyone else will. And even the most confident people make conversations awkward at times. Everyone is going to be awkward at times. You just have to laugh it off.
Literally call yourself out before the other person had the chance. “Dang, that was a bit awkward to say. My bad.”
It’s not going to be an overnight thing. Just start with a bit of time being confident everyday. You’ll be an American in no time.
I’m American and I got over most of the worst of my social anxiety with propranalol… I take it for blood pressure, but it’s a beta blocker, and basically interrupts the signals from the amygdala (fear center). It’s not a cure in and of itself, but when coupled with exposure therapy (just do the thing that makes you anxious, in my case) it can break phobias by basically neutralizing the physical symptoms and letting you deal with the mental ones more clearly.
But in all honesty, I’m still socially anxious, it’s just much more manageable these days. I think that’s the best I can hope for since I’m a big time introvert naturally, and socializing is exhausting.
https://psychcentral.com/anxiety/is-propranolol-recommended-for-anxiety-symptoms
I decided to make a new account to post this
