We’re currently short on rent because of her. I’ve got to somehow magick up $200 to cover rent until she can pay me (and the few people I’ve had to borrow money from) back on the 7th. I had to ask the landlord in the past and he was okay with it but increasingly less so, understandably. My name is on the lease and I’m the one responsible for this. She hasn’t had a job for a while and I’ve been pestering her to fill out forms for income support or even apply but she was dragging her feet. Now combine that with the fact that I’m the only one who cleans in the house. For a year I’ve been asking her to clean dishes and she won’t unless zero other options are presented. I’ve been asking her to turn the lights/fan off in the bathroom when she leaves and she doesn’t. I’ve been asking her to take out garbage that’s by the door when it’s ready to go out and she doesn’t. I’ve been asking her to contribute at all to the state of the house and she doesn’t. I love her and I know she cares about me because there’s a ton of other stuff that proves she does but I can’t say that I’m not feeling INCREDIBLY used here. I don’t know how to go about talking with her about this. When I have in the past she says to use post it notes because she’s forgetful so I started and it works a couple of times and then that’s it. I don’t even know how the fuck i’m going to feed the cat this weekend. I’ve got enough to last a couple of days and fairly sure i’ve got wet food she’s picky on but will eat for a couple more. She’s in on a discord call with someone and I hear laughing occasionally. And like I’m not faulting her for being happy or shedding stress or anything. I’ve been posting memes today and making comments. But it just… I don’t know.
I don’t feel okay and I’m scared. Both of potentially being homeless, of losing a friend, of conflict, of everything.
Sorry for the randomness.
Back to your regularly scheduled clownery.
Edit: I got it sorted, rent wise anyway, thanks to the help and generosity of people I do not deserve to have the help of. Thank you so much and I’m sorry for whining…
Edit 2: the Internet just got cut off. She hasn’t been paying her half on time or in full and I’ve been stretching it. I’m just laughing. Laughing and laughing and laughing while I genuinely debate whether it’s even worth staying alive.
Your description sounds like you’re a parent and she’s a child. That may be accurate in the sense that all her life she had other people providing for her, and now she’s make you be that person without your consent.
It sounds like you’re past the point you need to make a change. A hard conversation with her has to be hand. Something like:
“I love you, but I simply don’t have the resources to support two adults, and in trying, I’m drowning. As much as I love you, I can’t afford this place we live in without a paying roommate. I’ve used all my resources to buy you time to become that paying roommate again, and I’m running on empty. I have to ask you to move your stuff out of your room as I’m advertising for a new roommate this week. Right now you still have a roof over your head. I can let you sleep on the couch for the next two weeks to give you some time to sort out a path forward for yourself, but you’ll have to move most of your stuff out of the apartment and store it elsewhere. If there were another path I could see how we could keep doing what we’re doing, I’d take it in a heartbeat, but I’m this close to being homeless myself even while still employed. I’m sorry it has to be this way and I’ve done everything I can to make it not so, but we’re at a point where we have no other options.”
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Your description sounds like you’re a parent and she’s a child.
There are so many jokes about me being the dad in the relationship. “Thanks Dad” and stuff. It was funny at first and can be still but often it just feels… yeah. Like that.
I definitely need to have a conversation but that one isn’t it. She’s got one more chance. I’ve got to figure out how to do it. I don’t want to live with another stranger but I also don’t want to be in the position I am in now, messaging people I haven’t talked to in YEARS begging to borrow $20.
Then you use the same message and change the wording to tell her that she has one more chance for all the listed reasons.
If you dont enforce your boundaries you will [continue to] be trampled upon.
Sounds like it’s time for some tough love. My way or the highway. At the very least, if she’s late in paying you again, she’s out. You might want to get a new roommate lined up cause it also sounds like you’ll be needing one.
I get wanting to help a friend but it sounds like they are dragging you down with them.
I love her but yeah… I don’t know how much longer I can do this.
As I have learned very quickly in the past, there are just some friends you can’t live with if you want to keep them as friends… I was lucky enough to rent out a house that my parents purchased after our neighbors passed away. First round I lived with a close friend for over a year and it’s a really small old house so we were on top of each other and it ended up working really well. After he left to move in with his long-term gf, I found 2 more friends to take the leap. It was awful… the one friend got so toxic I wrote them off for life and still haven’t heard from them since. The other one took about 3 years before seeing them again around others, and its fine now. This friend is one of my closest friends to date, so it’s almost crazy that it almost ended. I have no problems seeing them, but I will never live with a friend ever again.
I guess my point is that even if you resolve whatever this tussle is, it’s almost inevitable to come back over and over until one or both of you hate each other because nobody is going to change. If you like them, I suggest trying to part ways as roommates.
Best of luck.
Regarding her, maybe she has something like adhs or autism and is not able to do better? Of course that would not help you if you knew, either.
That might be a reason but it’s hardly an excuse and as someone who grew up with an autistic sibling, these kind of comments always border on ableism to me. Autism doesn’t make a person incapable of doing dishes or taking out the trash. I don’t think you meant it so seriously but, ugh, I hate how messed up the definition of “autism” has gotten nowadays.
/rant
It might, it might not, but you’re right and I was just throwing that in since I am on my personal journey regarding this currently.
I wasn’t evaluating anything here and am not a professional and even if I was I couldn’t tell from a post.
And from an inside perspective: you have no idea what being an Autist let’s you do or not. No offense though and none taken.
Oh she does. We both do. So like I understand it to an extent but it’s still killing me.
Ah shit, I’m at a loss at what to say.
The problem with living with people where the boundaries are fuzzy: friends, situationships, partners - is once money is involved now you treat them differently then you would a stranger, so you become responsible for their problems. The implied threat is if you hold them responsible you lose the social relationship.
If a stranger was living in your house and can’t make rent, what would you do? What would your landlord do if you couldn’t make rent?
I think the healthiest thing is to not see yourself as a buffer for your friends problems, but a middleman for their obligation to the landlord/rent burden. If they don’t make rent, be sympathetic, be heartfelt, but they have to move out so rent can be made.
If this friend wasnt living with you, and wanted to borrow money but if you lent it to them you wouldnt be able to pay your own rent… Would you do it?
