Looking for both logical and emotional reinforcements, from casual acquaintances to intimate partners, and any orientation if not especially, everyone matters.
Frame it as a “friend” if you’d like, but I would like to know what made an impactful impression on you personally, above and beyond any hypothetical.
Weird? No. Needy? Yes.
Typically, if someone has a body “flaw”, they know about it. Lying will quickly be shot down and disregarded. For example, if you tell an overweight person that they are thin, they’ll know it’s not true, and they won’t accept it. Tell them they have a nice butt (if the context is appropriate) and they’ll remember and appreciate that.
Avoid making them the direct object in a compliment.
“That outfit makes you look good” implies that they didn’t look good until they put on the outfit.
“You are looking good.” gives the compliment to the person, not the attire.
Agreed. To expand on this, I’d also add that complementing choices is often better than complimenting their body. Edit: particularly if you don’t know them very well.
For example, the “that outfit makes you look good” really is implying they didn’t look good before, but also “I love that sweater” is complimenting their stylistic decisions, regardless of what their body looks like.
Focus on the person and their personality, not their biology.
Also “that looks awesome on you” says you and the outfit both look good.
One of the only things a romantic interest that ever told me that made me feel better about my body was just an unironic “You’re beautiful”.
Because, like, I’m a dude and was kind of desensitized to people platonically telling me I was handsome when I was clearly slumming it. But when this woman said I was beatiful I kind of believed it because she wasn’t just talking about my face. It was more something she thought I was doing.
Basically I’ll be riding that high the rest of my life, if you have male friends and they aren’t insecure about gender then tell them they’re beautiful. It feels different.
Basically I’ll be riding that high the rest of my life…
You were probably half-joking about this, but yes, you will.
Not even joking about it. It shaped the sort of man I want to be.
Nah, men are pretty well aware that we won’t be receiving any affection in life. We savor what we can get.
Want to build on this with my own opinions: we’re usually taught that handsome is the word for men and beautiful is for women, but to me ‘Handsome’ = ‘pretty’ and yet handsome =/= beautiful. Beautiful is of course > pretty and < gorgeous in intensity, and yet it is important to use the full range of beautifying words so that it feels more authentic for your partner. If you have a lot to say rather than just one compliment, someone will feel more uplifted by yoir remarks
So: If i’m in acts of intimacy with someone else, I as a man would appreciate a “you’re beautiful” more than a “you’re handsome”.
‘Handsome’ is a more casual thing to say - to deliver a " you’re handsome," grab a guys face like he’s a cute puppy and you’re going “WHO’S A GOOD BOY?!” Or deliver it when you’re giving someone a small kiss goodbye, or a quick random hug. But we need more than one word to describe how attractive we are, for authenticity.
It’s also kind of desensitised as a word because it’s what moms and grandmothers say to us. Ergo, if you want to express the sexual beauty of a man, hit him with a ‘beautiful’ rather than a handsome.
And there aren’t really any words that can only be used for one gender and not the other. Though some people will be taken aback by it, at first. You can call men pretty, you can call women handsome.
Ohh yeah good points. There was a lot of context in my story missing but I didn’t know how recount it without being mega cringe.
Yeah complimenting people’s choices instead of complimenting their features is the crux of it.
Home girl’s compliment got to me because she was commenting on things she liked that I did, not ways that I just inherently was.
That really depends on closeness and your personal experiences. If you’re looking for things to help yourself I can talk about that. I have a history of weight based dysmorphia and at times have been unable to look at my stomach while at exactly the middle of healthy weight because my organs felt like fatness. I also have complicated relationships with other aspects of my body as well, but not at risk of disorder or anything, but insecurity nonetheless plays a role.
A casual acquaintance in normal circumstances: “that sucks buddy, honestly I think you look fine/great/whatever but not a lie” You can’t help beyond being the choir of “we aren’t thinking negatively about your body”.
Anybody else, you can relate it to your own experiences with it of yourself or a loved one. A loved one of mine has a history of anorexia, so sometimes I’ll relate to people on that rather than talking about my experiences if I don’t feel comfortable with discussing it with them.
Ultimately, you need to understand where the person’s insecurities and discomfort come from and to be someone they’re open to help from to really help. Partners will often struggle to help beyond just showing avid attraction, but at the same time, I’ve had my fair share of sex with my shirt on or refusing sex because it would involve exposing my stomach.
I will say that having a friend give unusual compliments did help my self esteem in other ways. And having trusted friends give compliments can be valuable. But at the same time, unsolicited compliments about common locations of insecurity are generally not warranted and if you don’t know they are they’re better not said. However if someone you know is overshooting their goals to the point of concern like becoming underweight you can say something
From personal experience going from skinny enough that people commented on it regularly to normal size:
The insecurity does not go away if you get in shape. You will feel confident a lot of the time and then the slightest emotional breeze will knock over your confidence. “The day you start going to the gym is the day you start being small forever.”
You can work on your body image while your body is still not “ideal”. If you wait til you look good, you’ll be hot but still have body dysmorphia. Love what parts of your body you can love. Appreciate what your body can do. If you can walk up & down the stairs, be happy you can do that. Go to therapy.
This. When I was consistently hovering around a pound from middle of healthy weight I could feel fat because my stomach or bladder had something in it and so my stomach wasn’t perfectly flat anymore.
You don’t mention whether that body type insecurity is justified or not. I know plenty people that think themselves ugly, or too this and too that, and it’s really just in their mind. In fact, for some reason some of the best-looking people I know have a hard time accepting they are not ugly or worthless. I wish I knew how to approach that, because I am striking out trying to help.
When it comes to insecurities that are justified, I was obese, so I do have some experience. Words wouldn’t have helped much, but actions would. When you have some kind of unappealing trait, people recoil from you. They won’t look at you, they won’t touch you, they just try to disappear from your general vicinity. Just being there and giving off the vibe that you are comfortable and happy being with me would have made all the difference.
Touch in particular. I would float on air all day if someone touched me voluntarily - shook my hand or held my shoulder, because it happened so rarely and it implied comfort with my existence.
When it comes to insecurities that are justified, I was obese, so I do have some experience. Words wouldn’t have helped much, but actions would. When you have some kind of unappealing trait, people recoil from you. They won’t look at you, they won’t touch you, they just try to disappear from your general vicinity. Just being there and giving off the vibe that you are comfortable and happy being with me would have made all the difference.
Also worth noting that its worth being careful what you say, even positive.
Like, when you’re obese, you know it and you probably hate it. At the same time, as was said, it feels like everyone is disgusted by your existance. For that reason, drawing attention to it in general can be othering. For example, being told “good for you” for ordering a salad or going to the gym wasn’t a rare occurrence in my experience, and while positive on the surface, its just insulting and patronising.
Also, for the same reason, don’t try to be their doctor or therapist. There is likely any number of underlaying issues that maintain the obesity, be it trauma, mental health disorders (including many seemingly unrelated to eating, like depression or OCD), insulin resistance, diabetes, ect. ect. ect. People (and their doctors) know their own health history better than you do. Odds are, you’re either going to be telling them something they already know for the millionth time, or even giving bad advice that can make it worse - esspecially as it relates to mental disorders.
If you want to help, don’t be patronizing, don’t try to replace their doctor, just treat them like you would anyone else.
I guess I’d try to figure out why you’re worrying about your looks. Sometimes it’s because you have nothing else to worry about, but you’re afraid to let yourself to be too happy. Sometimes it’s because you have way bigger problems outside of your control, so you’re trying to fret over something you have more control over. Personally, my body hasn’t made the sex any less good. What I’m saying is, your looks aren’t what’s making you feel bad, and if you want to feel better, you’ll need to get to the root issue.
“Have you gained weight, recently?”
…
Oh, no. That would be the worst thing to say. Try the opposite of that, then.
?yltnecer, thgiew deniag uoy evaH
Ah! “Have you lost weight recently”
“You think i needed to lose weight??”
I never really had any major body image issues, don’t get me wrong, I have plenty of things I would like to change about how I look, and I’m certainly no sex symbol by a long shot, but I’ve always been pretty comfortable in my own skin.
But what little problem I did have pretty much evaporated when I decided to try out a nudist resort.
I think if you spend a day walking around naked people, you pretty quickly get some perspective. Most of the people at a nudist resort aren’t exactly the kind of people you particularly want to see naked.
Fat, skinny, stretch marks, scars, weird lumps and bumps, piercings, tattoos, pale, tan (though certain there are more heavily-tanned people that average,) dicks, balls, tits, and asses of all shapes, sizes, and configurations, little kids, people who look like they’re old enough to remember when dirt was invented (though some of that might just be all the sun-exposure,) it’s all out there on display.
And none of it matters a bit. They’re just bodies, we all have them, and they’re all a little weird, and I think experiencing something like that in-person really drives it home in a way that just thinking and talking about it can’t really do justice.
I kind of ended up there on a whim. The year before I first went to one, I did our city’s naked bike ride with a couple friends (also a very body-positive experience, but understandably the crowd skews a bit younger and fitter because bike ride) and had a blast riding around in our underwear with them.
The next year we couldn’t make it because of our schedules, but in searching for other things to do we stumbled onto something happening at this resort that sounded fun, so we went for it, and enjoyed it. We’ve talked a couple other people into joining us and they’ve also had a great time once they get over the initial shock of being naked around other naked people.
Also what really sold me on it was when we first arrived, I got there a bit before my friends. It was one of those hot, humid days where the moment you step outside you’re immediately drenched in sweat and your clothes start sticking to you.
I had kind of figured I’d set my tent up first then take my clothes off so that I’d have somewhere to put them, but after barely getting my tent unpacked I was already drenched in sweat and feeling gross, and the lightbulb went off in my head "just take your clothes off dumbass) and so I did. I was dressed pretty appropriately for the weather, but even still that made a world of difference, so by the time my friends showed up I was already sold and walked over to greet them naked, which I think also helped to put them at ease with the situation.
I will say that when you have body image issues you can wind up weird there. I’ve got a difficult relationship with my perception of my own weight (I’ve never been heavier than overweight, and rarely am even there). This has persisted through years of everything from sex clubs (yeah it’s similar to nudist beaches in body variety), non sexual nakedness with nudist friends and nudist experimentation in college, and just generally not finding fat people unattractive (I’m not a chubby chaser either, I just don’t care). I’ve had times lying in bed next to an obese woman I was in love with and wildly attracted to and I was feeling the need to scramble and put a shirt on after sex to hide the fact that my stomach felt less than flat and I was insecure about it
And if all that sounds too intimidating, you can also consider a nude bath house, spa, or sauna. It’s a much shorter period of time, and a much smaller number of people, but you can still get the experience of just casually chatting with strangers au naturel. The one I went to had a lot of old people, but everybody was super chill.
Also nude beaches
This particular resort is, luckily, close enough to me that I could go there for a day trip, or maybe even an afternoon or evening if I were so-inclined. It’s a bit out of the way but I’ve definitely driven further for worse reasons
Something to consider is that a lot of bath houses and such are gender-separated. For some, that may make it more comfortable, but for others I feel like it may not quite get them to confront all of their anxieties.
It may be easier for some people to ease into it from something like that (also to that end a lot of, but not all, nudist resorts and beaches are clothing-optional except for certain times/places/activities, so you can ease into it at your own pace,) but when possible I think it’s worth trying to rip the bandaid off all at once.
Have you seen any trans people at these nudist spaces? I’ve been interested by the idea a few times, but always got put off by the fact that I felt it would make me incredibly dysphoric
YMMV depending on where exactly you go, but the place I usually go to has a trans employee who usually works the front desk and sometimes bartends
And one band that performs there pretty regularly has a trans singer. Most of the bands and such they book there keep their clothes on, she was the exception.
And I think this says a lot, because she was up on stage performing for a couple hours, I probably walked right by her about six times before I noticed that she had a penis, and the only reason I did was because the rest of the band fucked off for a few minutes to get a drink or something and she stayed up on stage singing for a while and I finally realized that the deep voice that had been singing was coming from her
So you really quickly stop taking notice of people’s genitals there. That’s all that I’ve personally noticed but there very well might have been tons more and I just didn’t notice. Definitely no shortage of other LGBQ folks around there though.
Highlight the good. Usually one part sticks out, thighs biceps and say dam you do X?
Then have em share what sports if any and make em try stuff. Make them stand on a skateboard or do stuff that makes em feel like a kid. A fat person can jump rope and sometimes we forget that.
“We all decompose the same way”
Some of us take longer than others.
My go to logical line is to point out the absurd number of people there are.
“I’m fat.”
“There are literally millions of people in the world who wish they were your weight and there are millions more that are way heavier than you. You’re doing alright, be nicer to yourself.”
Sure two million is technically a small rounding error in a population of eight billion, but it’s true enough. I guess this wouldn’t work in some extreme cases, but I’ve had decent success with it.
I don’t have any canned emotional points though. To connect with someone emotionally you have to let them know they’re heard and understood and try to relate your own experiences if you can.
