I haven’t posted here in a few months. Some of my most recent comments were as uncomradely as they were foolish, and in general (over this account and accounts I’ve had and since deleted in embarrassment) I’ve been prone to mini-crashouts. That I haven’t gotten banned/had more of my comments removed is because I know how to hold my tongue, both before saying something ridiculous and shortly after I start spouting off. Consider this my apology for my rabid behavior in the past.

Beyond apologizing though, I want to take this as an opportunity to self-criticize to better understand why I am this way and what to do about it. If I want to be serious about Marxism-Leninism, it’s only appropriate I try analyze this with dialectical materialism. At risk of being individualist, I’m going to be analyzing my own internal contradictions; internal contradictions are what drive development after all, and I’m sheltered and ignorant of the world to the point that I don’t yet trust myself to speak of global (or even national or local) systems without spewing at least a good bit of bullshit. I also suspect that others may face similar contradictions, so maybe some of you will find this helpful.

My primary contradiction, as far as I can tell, is the contradiction between knowing that change is inevitable and believing that I am incapable of change. I have some ideas as to what’s causing this, but I don’t want to dive into my life story: divulging too much personal information on a pseudonymous public forum is unwise, and no one should care about some coddled cracker’s well-being anyway. Suffice it to say that, for basically my whole life, I’ve been squeezed between repressive social norms on one hand and high expectations from my meatspace peers on the other. I am deeply embedded in a social circle of bourgeoisified proletarians that I’m having a hard time untangling myself from.

My next contradiction is between believing I’m utterly worthless and believing I’m super important and special. This is your standard inferiority/superiority complex, but it’s paralyzing regardless. The most destructive manifestation I’ve seen of this in myself is an avoidance of mentors. Instead of seeking out people who are better than me at something or the lessons they have to teach, I instead feel the drive to become better than them entirely from first principles; however, I get discouraged pretty much immediately knowing I’ll never measure up to them, so I give up early and lie flat in my room instead. Even when viewed with an individualist and liberal approach instead of a Marxist one, this is obviously unhealthy and a surefire way to fall deeper into depression.

The third contradiction is between a drive to conformism and a drive to contrarianism. I always think I’m wrong. This goes way beyond a healthy self-doubt that lets me reevaluate wrong ideas; instead, I’m building my ideas on ideological quicksand. Do I think Marxism is right? Well, I believe in it, so clearly it must be wrong. Maybe the anarchists or liberals are right? Do I change my mind to, say, anarchism? Well, I believe in it, so clearly it must be wrong. Maybe the liberals or Marxists are right? Round and round the ideological carousel goes, spinning so fast that I break my neck. Marxism is clearly correct, of course, but a part of my mind I can’t reach compels me to throw all critical thought out the window and vacillate between spineless conformism and rabid contrarianism.

I could go into this with more depth and thoroughness, but I’ve been agonizing over this post for weeks now and I just need to get it out. I’ve rewritten, removed, and added parts to try and communicate clearly without getting too navel gazey. It took a lot of effort on my part to avoid turning this post into a pit of self hatred like the Rigorous Self-Critique thought from Disco Elysium. Ultimately, one labor aristocracker’s contributions aren’t going to make or break a communist revolution. At the same time, I don’t think I’ll be able to live with myself if I don’t help the revolution. In my current state, I’m paralyzed to the point that even making minor changes in my habits feels like a herculean task, let alone actually joining an org.

There’s only one thing I’m entirely certain of: I don’t want to be this kind of animal anymore.