“i love you bro”.
something to let him know you support him and he can rely on you. definitely nothing apologetic or mournful, this isn’t a bad thing.
if he’s cool you could go with “duh” or “makes sense” or to quote my wife “I could have told you that”.
An adult person does not tend to seek a diagnosis unless they are trying to understand and get a grip on something that they have struggled with their whole life.
Whatever the mood is in the room for this announcement, you should understand that your brother has probably lived most of his life feeling like he is not understood or accepted by the regular world and the people in it… in a painful way.
An adult person does not tend to seek a diagnosis…
…But your parents do, so you can lose the most basic human rights, so they could force you to be (at least somewhat) dependent on them and that they could feel superiour.
Bonus points for conversion therapy.
I don’t think that applies to OP’s question but if that’s your situation then I’m sorry you have to deal with that.
It’s not that terrible. And since I live in Slovenia, it’s relatively simple to just cheat around discrimination. I’m just worried about others in other, more organized/less corrupt countries with a more functional legal system (Edit: and also conversion therapy availability), who can’t simply cheat to their human rights. But they also probably have human rights there (apart from the US).
“So what’s your favorite train then?”
I assume you know your brother better than us Internet strangers. The most sensitive reaction depends on how he took the news, as well as his personality:
- if he seems worried about the diagnosis, reassure him that you will support him
- if he’s taking the diagnosis itself in stride but worried about how your family will treat him, tell him that fundamentally nothing will change, he’s still the brother you’ve known for years and you will treat him accordingly
- if he seems unbothered by both the diagnosis and its impact on the family dynamic, crack a joke to bond with him about this not being a big deal
yeah I guess I wanted to be sure there wasn’t some old cliche or chestnut I wasn’t aware of.
like asking an actor “what have you been in that I’ve seen?” or touching a pregnant woman’s belly
I mean it’s think the chestnut is saying, “you don’t look autistic” or just saying like, no that’s not true! Or reassuring them they’re “not like other autistics.” Basically anything that treats the diagnosis as inherently bad
Most sensitive way to reply? Where’s the fun in that?
“Okay… I thought we knew that already?
You still in for this weekend? Or do you have like, official duties now?
I get it if this means you’re too busy to hang much anymore.”Or you could play dumb.
“Cool!
What’s that?”Or prepare him for the real world and give him one of these classic neurotypical lines:
- “We’re all a little autistic.”
- “Oh, no one can tell. I didn’t even notice.” (in the most inauthentic voice possible)
- “No you’re not! ‘Insert random relative’ 's son was autistic and he couldn’t speak at all. You’re nothing like that”
(Please do not do this)
“you don’t look autistic”
Just acknowledge it, without being weird about it. It’s not a disability. I joke about my ASD, and make fun of my ADHD wife (and the other way around).
Ask if they need anything, and don’t be high context, be direct. I don’t know your brother’s situation, but I personally struggle reading between the lines. I take things literally.
WDYM it’s not a disability? It literally is?
Ok, it’s a developmental disability, but it’s also on a large spectrum. I only got diagnosed in my 40s. I lived my life as “the weird one”, but even after I got diagnosed, I still don’t consider myself “disabled”…
Disability is a social construct, the result of people not having the supports they need to live lives unburdened by undue friction. The disability factor shows up awful quick if and when you suddenly find yourself without your supports and coping mechanisms, but it’s not really a disability until then.
By the same metric, severe poverty is a disability, albeit an unrecognized one.
You’re describing a gradient. That isn’t what spectrum means. We all have a spectrum of symptoms - some kind of sensory processing issue, some kind of social interaction problems, some kind of repetitive motion issue, etc. Only when you have one issue in each category are you autistic.
I’m AuDhd myself - ADHD is comorbid with autism in a large percent of people. If you don’t think it’s a disability, you may still be in some denial about its effects on your life.
You might be right. I am not a native EN speaker, so that might play a role too.
My wife has severe ADHD. All our kids too (diagnosed and medicated). One of them is AuDHD, with a “harder” autism gradient (?) compared to me… She does have severe social interaction problems.
For me it’s been strange - I have CPTSD, growing up autistic in a household that would “pray the gay away”… not easy. I moved out as soon as I could. But I’ve lived all my life by heavily masking. I learned how to behave from TV shows and observing others. Social interactions have always been a “show” for me. Only after I got diagnosed it started to make sense…
Depends on the person, really. For some, the only issue is the hostility of most people to anything “different”, others can barely function.
Legal status is a different matter, though.
It’s a difference in brain structure, not necessarily debilitating. Any differences can be debilitating, but you wouldn’t think that the muscular hypertrophy disorder is necessarily a disability. Different needs to be managed definitely.
Does that mean we can defraud Disney Land together?
(Disney Land has shorter queues for autistic and other disabled people. To the point some people pay disabled folks to go to Disney land with them)
Might be helpful to tell them to check if they qualify for disability benefits, if they want to. Totally optional, though.
