Very important for my research
everyone’s a tough guy til the goblin man bites their ear off
I feel like people are underestimating the goblin man. Definitely has at least two knives
No one is ready for the rabid tenacity of goblin man.
Hotpants McSexington was seductively washing dishes when a wizard appeared in his kitchen. Hotpants could tell that the wizard was a wizard because he was wearing a pointy hat that said “WIZARD” on it and also because he appeared in a cloud of purple smoke that was shaped like the word “WIZARD”.
“I’m a wizard!” said the wizard.
“Holy shit, a wizard!” said Hotpants, who was so surprised that he accidentally spilled soapy dishwater all over his bare, muscular chest.
“Hotpants McSexington! The Council of Wizards has sent me, Dave the Wizard, to tell you that you have been chosen to wield the wizardly magics of wizardry. Here is your complimentary robe and wizard hat.”
“Rad!” said Hotpants, using a dish towel to dry off his perfect washboard abs and bulging pectoral muscles. “I always wanted to be a wizard and do magic and shit. Do I have to go to like, wizard school or anything?”
“Nope.” said the Dave the Wizard. “Just take this magic staff and get to wizardin’. You’ll figure it out in no time.” Hotpants grasped the long, hard, glistening wooden shaft. He could feel the power coursing through it. His full lips parted and he let out a moan of pure pleasure.
“Looks like you got this under control, I’ll give you some privacy. Dave out!” The wizard disappeared in another cloud of smoke, this time shaped like the words “DAVE OUT”.
Hotpants put on his robe and wizard hat, leaving the robe hanging open at the front to expose his rippling muscles and voluminous chest hair. He stroked the staff and gasped as a sudden torrent of sparks shot out of the end. “Fuck yes” he said, “it’s magic time.”
A short while later, in an alley not too far away, two crimeminals were planning crimes. “We should robs a bank!” said the first crimeminal.
“That’s stupid, let’s do a murder on someone instead!” said the second crimeminal, brandishing an illegal firearm.
Suddenly, a voice rang out from the other end of the alley. “You will do neither of those things!” said Hotpants, brandishing his thick, rock-hard wizard staff.
“Who the hells are youse?” asked one of the crimeminals.
“There’s a new sheriff in town, and that sheriff is actually a wizard. And that wizard is me!” Hotpants struck a seductive pose, gripping one end of the staff between his tight, toned thighs whilst firmly but gently stroking the shaft with both hands.
The crimeminal with the gun pointed his gun at Hotpants. “I ain’t believes in no magicses!” he said.
“Believe this, fuckwad!” Hotpants thrust his hips forward and pointed the tip of his staff at the crimeminal. White light poured forth from the staff and enveloped the crimeminal. In the distance, a saxophone wailed.
When the light subsided, the crimeminal was gasping and beaded with sweat. His shirt had been torn clean off and his pants bulged at the groin. He threw his gun aside into a pile of trash and lunged at his partner. "Holy fucking shit! he said. “I am so goddamn horny. I needs youse to do me. Do me right now, right here in this filthy alley!”
“Youse crazy!” said the other crimeminal, backing away from his magically aroused accomplice. “I ain’t gonna do nobody!”
“Wrong!” shouted Hotpants, thrusting his staff once more. When the light faded, the two criminals were entwined on a pile of empty pizza boxes, tearing each other’s clothes off and grunting ecstatically.
Hotpants smiled and licked his lips. “Looks like my work here is done.” He stroked his staff once more and disappeared in a cloud of saxophone solos and bourbon-scented smoke.
THE END
“Believe this, fuckwad!” Hotpants thrust his hips forward and pointed the tip of his staff at the crimeminal. White light poured forth from the staff and enveloped the crimeminal. In the distance, a saxophone wailed.
All in on the wizard
A wizard has the power of magic. What’s the himbo got?
He is shirtless and all of his spell reagents are in his robe pockets, he’s just a skinny nerd without a shirt. Goblin man can be all over you like a spider monkey regardless of attire.
A wizard doesn’t need spell components to cast FIST!
Just because he put all his points into Int doesn’t mean he’s going to be able to bullet time dodge goblin man jumping on him and biting him on the shoulder.
But it doesn’t mean he can’t.
But he still has his wand!https://allthetropes.org/wiki/Battle_Strip
It’s anime law: whenever a male shōnen protagonist takes off his shirt, all of his attributes increase exponentially."
—Kurama, Yu Yu Hakusho Abridged
Goblin man has NEVER worn a shirt
Fair point but when it comes to
vs 
I take fireball. Can goblin close the gap before Wizard casts spell? Find out next time on Wagonball GZ
Goblin man can burrow through the ground like a Street Shark where fireballs cannot reach him if we’re making them anime characters.
A heart of gold
And that’ll help him against direct attacks to the thorax ONLY.
Shirtless Wizard is the obvious answer but excluding them, The Party Animal would absolutely beat the himbo and the dilf.
Big Fat Party animal.
In my experience when actual FIGHTS break out at a party or whatever, the biggest drunkest guy wins. Doesn’t matter if the other guy is a shredded 27th degree black belt, if enough adrenaline fueled, booze numbed, mass is headed at him he’s gonna get crushed.
Okay you all are sleeping on the hot couch guy (ew). He’s the only one who definitely has real special forces training
Sleeping on hot couch guy seems less bad than spending another night on the hot couch. Don’t underestimate the befuddling charisma of HCG either. Get ready to throw a punch and next thing you know it’s 3 am and you’re doing knife hits in his kitchen. (I voted 5 times for hot couch guy, I’m rigging the vote)
Himbzard
I feel like people are overestimating shirtless wizard. He’s got magic, sure. But he’s going to have a hard time focusing properly. Without a shirt he’ll be all self conscious about people staring at his spoon-chest. I think goblin-man is gonna go all the way.
Shit always gets real when you take off your shirt. Same for sorcery. Same for magicry. And ESPECIALLY the same for wizardry. Wizard by a country mile
Depends, what spells does the wizard have access to?
Testicular torsion
Silly little dude. I always go for the underdog.
moi
