I honestly hate myself for still feeling this way at 23. Whenever I’m out, I always feel like the ugliest girl in the room, and it literally makes me feel completely worthless. It sucks watching how nicely everyone treats beautiful women. Nobody ever says anything mean to them. Guys are always looking out for them, and other girls always have their back. They get this pass in life that I’ve never had. No one has ever helped or protected me except my parents.I’ve learned to just rely on myself, because my parents won’t be around forever and nobody else gives a damn about me. Maybe this is how it should be.
I’m a very short and kind of ugly dude who used to feel that way. I got over feeling shitty about the fact that I couldn’t go anywhere without being one of the least desirable dudes in the room by just doing my best with what I’ve got and focusing on the people who do value me. I accepted that I was never going to be the best in the looks department, but I can dress well and take care of myself and people notice that. I’ve trained myself to be pretty easy going and I’m decent at making people laugh and try to just be nice to people in general which helps too. I still don’t get a ton of romantic interest (though there is some of that) but I have friends who like having me around which is nice.
I know things aren’t all the same for women but I hope that helps, not everything is about looks and people aren’t all shallow. Being hot isn’t everything, and really isn’t even that valuable in the long run if you can’t back it up with a good personality. There’s always “hot” people coming and going in my social circle that don’t stick around because they don’t really bring anything else to the table. The “regular” people all have interesting shit to do or talk about and they’re the ones we make sure to invite along on things.
Conventionally attractive person here. You’re not wrong. I know I suck and bring little to any situation. I really don’t have that umph I see a lot of people with, just a black hole of anti charisma.
For some reason the things I say come across as me being mean, but I’m not trying to be mean or rude. I just suck and get really anxious and the things I say come out wrong, and then as a nearly 6 ft tall good looking lady it seems like I’m a snob, but I’m not.
Watch South Park episode s11 e14, “The List.” It talks about how the hot girl had an easy life until she became middle-aged and stopped being special because she never learned to be interesting.
I’m nothing special (in terms of looks) and I see hot men treated differently and know that it happens. Society doesn’t punish men for our looks the same way, so I’m not claiming I know how you feel. But I hope you can stop beating up on yourself.
At 23, you haven’t really lived. You can have a lot of experiences between where you are and where I am (46) that change who you are and how you feel about yourself. For context, it took me until I was 39 to love myself, and that was a huge accomplishment. Believe in yourself, or believe that even if you don’t believe in yourself, some anonymous asshole on the internet believes in you.
Guys have the same problem, at some point just ignore them and find your own thing instead.
I also just don’t really go to places where people will be obsessing over their appearance. I have met more interesting women while covered in mud than I have at a nightclub.
Hey friend! You’re welcome to try !womensstuff@piefed.blahaj.zone or !dadforaminute@lemmy.world for this they’d give great tips
It’s similar for guys who don’t get attention from women but I think we tend to focus on our interests instead.
But yes, it’s very unfair, this life, in that way. However, envy will only make you feel bad. I suggest getting good at something else so you get confidence from that instead.
That’s the neat part!
I’m sorry you’re going through that and that I have no real advice to offer but here is something worth considering:
What would you do if your best friend was talking that way about themselves? What if it was a stranger saying your friend was the ugliest girl in the room.
Please, if nothing else, be nicer to yourself.
Lively eyes and an inviting smile are way better than a pretty face, and fitness is always attractive regardless of the body nature gave you.
nobody knows you as well as you do, so its uber important to be nice to yourself. you’re the only one that can accept you the way you are completely. take it from someone, that was mean to themselves most of their life. its so much easier when you’re at least as nice to yourself as you are to others. would you think lesser of a person because of their looks?
I mean this is easy - start intentionally going to places where “looking good” isn’t the organizing principle.
Find a hobby - hiking, gardening, books, pets. Hang out with people who value and are interested in things you value and are interested in. If you have something interesting to say and someone is interested- suddenly you have a much more interesting connection than “he thinks I’m hot”.
It seems great to have people treat you well because you are pretty - but in reality it means they don’t give two shits about who you are or what you think and will be dishonest with you to try to get in your pants.
Most pretty women really suffer when they get older and lose that “free pass” because the only social skill they ever learned was “look good”. If you learn to really listen and care about others, to be a good friend, to make people laugh - learn how to be an appealing person in a way that has nothing to do with looks. It will give you a much much more satisfying life for much much longer.
When I see a trophy wife I often think what a sad lonely place it must be.
Never feeling enough and the anxiety of having to look good. Never having a true voice. A bird in a cage.
Theres always a younger trophy.
Yup.
I’d rather be considered ugly but confident in myself any day.
What are you talking about?
You realize many women aspire to be trophy wives, precisely because they don’t want to do anything other in life other than look good and play pretend?
and generally, that’s what ‘life’ is for most people. most social relationships are performances.
Some do.
Looks like a sad life. Some might argue otherwise.
My partner has noticed she feels this the strongest during her luteal phase, which helps her stay conscious that its chemical and she’ll feel better soon. More awareness of women’s health ✊️.
I used daily affirmations to reprogram my brain and love myself limitlessly.
after I transitioned I struggled with these same feelings. A friend sent me this meme:
I loved this and I took it to my therapist and I said ‘I want this but obviously I can’t use this’ and my therapist asked me why I couldn’t use it. She taught me how to do verbal affirmations, out loud so your auditory system processes them directly into your brain. I spent months telling myself out loud every night how kind and loving to myself I was. That I loved myself limitlessly. That I took such good care of myself because I loved myself so much. That I was beautiful exactly how I am.
It was faking it at first but over time it worked because you never met a girl who loves herself as much as I do. I was able to wipe away decades of toxic self and external programming with a few months of this practice.
I believe that we have to be our own champions in this world. Beauty is very subjective individually but if you can see yourself as beautiful that’s all that truly matters because it affects how you hold yourself and present to the world and people can’t help but respect that in a way. I know there are lots of women who may be objectively prettier than I am but it doesn’t matter I’m gorgeous and I love myself limitlessly and I spend my time with people who treat me with respect, compassion and love.
There are many paths but this one worked for me. Therapy is really important. Good luck sister!
🖤 thank you for writing this
Can you remember how long it took to stop feeling like faking it?
I’ve tried this stuff but never really stuck with it, I’d be keen to hear any elaboration you may have to offer
I did them while walking in the park at the evening, for as long as I could. I would walk for an hour each night but would not do to the m when others were near and I would get bored so maybe 25-20m a night actively. I did this for months.
At one point a month in I had this thought how many times do I need to hear this before it works?
I thought back to the countless number of times my parents had told me that I was a failure and worthless and all the other horrible names. Years and years of their abuse I endured. And then my own thoughts of worthlessness for years after I got away from them.
I realized I had to say it to myself until my mind had heard the good things more than it had the bad things. And it eventually worked and I didn’t feel the need to say the words anymore because they were my heart. I love myself so much :)
I did this again for needles I had a bad needle phobia enough to cry during covid vaccines. That took me 4 weeks of nightly affirmations before i was brave enough to inject myself. Shit works.
wow, OK - that’s a huge effort!
I can see it’s worth it. I’m not sure why I’m apathetic about this, but I feel genuinely intimidated that it won’t work or don’t want to feel dumb about it. How silly…
Looking silly is often the price of admission for improvement. Therapy and its homework often feels dumb. And this stuff takes time; but even if it doesn’t help, putting in this effort, accepting looking silly, and doing it anyways tells your brain that you’re worth doing such things for, and it can help you try the next thing more fully too. That said, they do work.
It does feel silly but at the end of the day it was one of the best things I ever for myself in my life. A true act of self love and self care.
Affirmations feel like a Jedi mind trick… Every time I practice them I think to myself “this is stupid, no way this will work” but dammit they work so well!
It is a way to gather courage over many days in a way, right?
100%!
still feeling this way at 23
Implying 23 is an advanced age or when someone achieves great wisdom is incorrect. There’s a long way to go and a lot to learn.
how nicely everyone treats beautiful women
It is called sexual capital. It is a genuine advantage, but only one of many in an unfair world. Some are born with financial advantage, or social advantage, or aesthetic advantage, etc.
You have no choice but to make the best of what you’ve got. Anyone can capitalise on what they have. I’d argue the majority of attracting people’s positive attention and admiration has to do with being clean, neat, groomed, well dressed, sociable, keeping physically fit and looking after your skin (all things you can change). Some even may find it liberating that they don’t get unwanted attention and can be judged on their other merits besides just their looks.
It is difficult to undo social programming, but you can be attractive in very many ways if you can let go of the narrow way society portrays attractiveness in the media.
If your someone that hangs out on social media, bare in mind that it can alter your perception of beauty to unrealistic expectations.
The truth is that ugliness is only a problem with first impressions. Once people get to know you, your “ugli[ness]” will disappear and your facial features will just become a representation of who you are, on the inside. Forgive me, I don’t know if you have a medical condition but I know people with Treacher Collins that are capable of having friends and finding love, and I promise you can too. We can say it’s unfair that beautiful people get all the attention but ugly people tend to have the best people as friends.
I wish you the best.
Do you really want that kind of superficial attention? It may look nice on the outside to have people fawn over you but you know internally they are only being nice because they want something from you. Do you want genuine relationships or transactional ones? You don’t really want to rely on people who only treat you nice because of your appearance. If someone is rude or mean to you due to your appearance, you should be thankful they showed their ugliness rather than being manipulated by shitty people with that mindset.
