I’m nonbinary femme. I don’t like masculine or male terms. A few days ago, I was on a group chat with someone and they said “this guy” and used “he/him” pronouns, not knowing my gender. I, however, told them not to address me as a guy and that I preferred neutral terms but was fine with feminine terms as well.
Well, did they have any idea? Were you quick to respond with venom? Were you just casual about it? How should we know if you give us such vague details.
This. If you were casual about it, why would you even need to ask if you were the asshole, just for having boundaries/preferences and expressing them?
I just casually said “Don’t address me as a man, I prefer neutral terms or feminine.”
Alrighty. Well, if I’m gonna be honest, the wording does seem a bit like you excepted them to know. “Don’t address me as…” idk, it might just be me. But if I was the dude on the receiving end of that, my first thought would be, “Damn, I didn’t know, don’t gotta act like I did it on purpose.”
Like “hey, person, just a heads up, please call me such n such instead of the other thing” That could just be me, I’m a sensitive guy, but I try to approach conversations with the sense that the other person doesn’t know me like I know me.
If they don’t know, they don’t know. You’re not the asshole.
I will say though, if your user name there is the same as it is here “SonofaBixcuit”, I would have likely made the same mistake.
Yeah, not an asshole to draw clear boundaries about forms of address. It’s a known issue in the world, and it’s a social necessity in text formats to make such things known. Hell, it’s sometimes necessary in voice, video, or in person as well. Doing so isn’t asshole behavior. An individual may or may not be asshole about it, but the fact of doing it isn’t assholery.
Nor is being assertive about it assholery. Assertiveness definitely isn’t assholery on the first time establishing forms of reference. It can’t be. Aggressiveness could be, but not assertiveness.
So you’re in the clear on this one assuming the wau you presented it here is reasonably close to the way you presented it there
I, however, told them not to address me as a guy and that I preferred neutral terms but was fine with feminine terms as well.
Good, but what was controversial about that?
I may have been rude saying “Don’t address me as a man”
No, this is straightforward.
I am not a transgender but my name has a shorter version. I don’t like it and I ask others not to call me like that when they call me like that. How would they know otherwise?
You were not rude. They were rude if they refused to accept your request.
No you’re not the asshole. That said if this is the first time it happened and/or the first time you’ve said something they aren’t the asshole either. If you have to say something again and they still don’t take the request then they become the biggest asshole but not until then. Ignorance can be fixed, being a belligerent jerk cannot as easily
You are not the asshole. Maybe you could’ve been slightly more polite about it, but that’s honestly looking for a nitpick.
Assuming good faith, some people will need to be educated about these things before it becomes normal and comfortable for them, and unfortunately that education will be up to you more often than you’d like.
Did the conversation they said that in end before you told them that?
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