That’s like 90% of my friends nowadays and the other 10% are either super cute androgynous and / or genderfluid enbies or super cute trans women, the latter of which are mostly named Sarah and accordingly lethal. When i tell them to destroy a guy, they will also assume i mean “by using a bladed weapon”, we’re going a bit overboard with the whole sword lesbian thing atm.
tbh it’s kinda problematic to use AFAB in contexts where you just want a more up to date way to say “bioLoGiCaL women”, especially when referring to nonbinary people who are probably not fine with being called women at all. Please don’t shoehorn people back into bio-essentialist and binary categories that may be major dysphoria triggers for them.
The entire AFAB / AMAB thing was originally coined by the inter community to highlight the arbitrary nature of doctors assigning gender by taking a brief look at a baby’s genitals, not as a way to ignore self identification which is the only actually workable identifier of gender. The AGAB of the people you find attractive is irrelevant to begin with and you usually wouldn’t have a reliable way to tell it in the first place.
Thanks for the feedback. Edited. Tbh I’m scared to express desires like this because I don’t want to be problematic or chaser-y. And of course, more importantly, I don’t want to hurt people or make them uncomfortable. And I recognize this comm isn’t for me so it’s on me to examine this stuff and think very hard about my word choice before posting.
If you’re interested in learning more about the subject, here’s a good video about the use of AFAB/AMAB as a replacement gender binary: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nv1byknT_jU
As far as the rest goes, yeah, it’s difficult for a straight dude to be sexually and / or romantically interested in queer women and nonbinary people. The main thing to look out for is to leave people who identify as lesbian alone, none of us want to be approached by men in this way. Stick to trying to date bi / pan people and don’t be an ass about it. When we’re talking about a lesbian who may actually be a little bit bi or make an exception once in a while, actively trying to be that exception or even “fix” her will automatically and completely disqualify you and make you the potential subject of a vent post on r/actual_lesbians. pls don’t be that guy.
When you’re dating a trans person, you need to be aware of the fact that our bodies may be subject to change and that it is exclusively within our agency how we want that to happen. Bodily autonomy and the fight against being gatekept and doubted in the legitimacy of our gender identity are the central struggle of many trans people. In the case of transmasc people, in this context meaning: people who undergo physical changes masculinizing their body, this means that the cute butch looking person you developed a crush on may at some point grow a beard, get male body odor, may experience changes to their genitals, that they may be extremely uncomfortable with their chest being touched until they get a mastectomy, that their hips and butt are a constant source of dysphoric pain and insecurity for them and so on. It may mean deciding on he / him pronouns and being referred to as your boyfriend at some point, which frequently causes problems when cis dudes not used to queering their sexuality have to refer to him in such a way in front of their straight friends. Dating transmasc enbies when you’re actually straight can and frequently will lead to the realization that you’re simply not gay enough to maintain a relationship with them. All of these are actual examples from the dating lifes of trans men and transmasc nonbinary people i know personally, this is extremely common and very painful to them. Almost every trans dude and transmasc enbie i know has at least one awful, transphobic, manipulative boyfriend in their past. It’s both horrible and super widespread. There’s problems with transmasc NBs dating cis lesbians as well and they are often not that dissimilar, but i’m sticking to how queer women, fems and transmascs read as women or woman-aligned struggle when dating cishet dudes because that is what is relevant to what we’re discussing here.
I could go on with trans women and NB transfems, but i already talk about our experience with chasers a lot, so i’ll leave it at this.
tbh I’m terrible at dating just plain cisgender women, when I say I’m het I mean I carry a serving of eggplant with me already and don’t want more, but I find myself interested in a bunch of people who aren’t women but are still cute and attractive to me. Bodily autonomy, consent, all that stuff is important to me, and the notion of trying to tell my hypothetical partner how to dress or present or anything like that just feels wrong to me. In fact it bothers me that people would assume that behavior from me, due to my intense RSD I absolutely cannot stand the notion of someone being scared of me, and it’s rough to manage that when I’m six feet tall, over 300 pounds, and have a deep, booming voice. The autism tends to give me resting pissed off face too. So I tend to mostly try and leave people alone. And frankly, I didn’t give much thought to the notion of dating someone who is mid-transition and still figuring themselves out, only to go down a path that I would find physically unattractive and creating an incredibly painful situation where I end up hurting them. So again, probably something I don’t have the emotional intelligence to navigate safely.
I find the energy trans people have to be incredibly admirable, though. The courage it takes to live authentically in a world that largely wants you dead for it is amazing. Maybe that’s what makes me find them so attractive. Again, it’s their power level.
Cursed to be attracted to people who mostly aren’t interested in cishet white men I guess
This is apparently a super common thought for trans women who haven’t realized yet. Along the lines of “why do I keep ending up attracted to lesbians?”
I’ve explored this thoughtspace and I’m pretty secure in my gender, really, just not in the idea of being manly or masculine in the traditional sense. Since, you know, that requires integrating with patriarchy and controlling people with violence.
No please don’t hurt me
Also if you have any super cute femmy nb friends maybe tell them to come destroy me instead?
That’s like 90% of my friends nowadays and the other 10% are either super cute androgynous and / or genderfluid enbies or super cute trans women, the latter of which are mostly named Sarah and accordingly lethal. When i tell them to destroy a guy, they will also assume i mean “by using a bladed weapon”, we’re going a bit overboard with the whole sword lesbian thing atm.
Cursed to be attracted to people who mostly aren’t interested in cishet white men I guess
tbh it’s kinda problematic to use AFAB in contexts where you just want a more up to date way to say “bioLoGiCaL women”, especially when referring to nonbinary people who are probably not fine with being called women at all. Please don’t shoehorn people back into bio-essentialist and binary categories that may be major dysphoria triggers for them.
The entire AFAB / AMAB thing was originally coined by the inter community to highlight the arbitrary nature of doctors assigning gender by taking a brief look at a baby’s genitals, not as a way to ignore self identification which is the only actually workable identifier of gender. The AGAB of the people you find attractive is irrelevant to begin with and you usually wouldn’t have a reliable way to tell it in the first place.
Thanks for the feedback. Edited. Tbh I’m scared to express desires like this because I don’t want to be problematic or chaser-y. And of course, more importantly, I don’t want to hurt people or make them uncomfortable. And I recognize this comm isn’t for me so it’s on me to examine this stuff and think very hard about my word choice before posting.
If you’re interested in learning more about the subject, here’s a good video about the use of AFAB/AMAB as a replacement gender binary: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nv1byknT_jU
As far as the rest goes, yeah, it’s difficult for a straight dude to be sexually and / or romantically interested in queer women and nonbinary people. The main thing to look out for is to leave people who identify as lesbian alone, none of us want to be approached by men in this way. Stick to trying to date bi / pan people and don’t be an ass about it. When we’re talking about a lesbian who may actually be a little bit bi or make an exception once in a while, actively trying to be that exception or even “fix” her will automatically and completely disqualify you and make you the potential subject of a vent post on r/actual_lesbians. pls don’t be that guy.
When you’re dating a trans person, you need to be aware of the fact that our bodies may be subject to change and that it is exclusively within our agency how we want that to happen. Bodily autonomy and the fight against being gatekept and doubted in the legitimacy of our gender identity are the central struggle of many trans people. In the case of transmasc people, in this context meaning: people who undergo physical changes masculinizing their body, this means that the cute butch looking person you developed a crush on may at some point grow a beard, get male body odor, may experience changes to their genitals, that they may be extremely uncomfortable with their chest being touched until they get a mastectomy, that their hips and butt are a constant source of dysphoric pain and insecurity for them and so on. It may mean deciding on he / him pronouns and being referred to as your boyfriend at some point, which frequently causes problems when cis dudes not used to queering their sexuality have to refer to him in such a way in front of their straight friends. Dating transmasc enbies when you’re actually straight can and frequently will lead to the realization that you’re simply not gay enough to maintain a relationship with them. All of these are actual examples from the dating lifes of trans men and transmasc nonbinary people i know personally, this is extremely common and very painful to them. Almost every trans dude and transmasc enbie i know has at least one awful, transphobic, manipulative boyfriend in their past. It’s both horrible and super widespread. There’s problems with transmasc NBs dating cis lesbians as well and they are often not that dissimilar, but i’m sticking to how queer women, fems and transmascs read as women or woman-aligned struggle when dating cishet dudes because that is what is relevant to what we’re discussing here.
I could go on with trans women and NB transfems, but i already talk about our experience with chasers a lot, so i’ll leave it at this.
I found a YouTube link in your comment. Here are links to the same video on alternative frontends that protect your privacy:
tbh I’m terrible at dating just plain cisgender women, when I say I’m het I mean I carry a serving of eggplant with me already and don’t want more, but I find myself interested in a bunch of people who aren’t women but are still cute and attractive to me. Bodily autonomy, consent, all that stuff is important to me, and the notion of trying to tell my hypothetical partner how to dress or present or anything like that just feels wrong to me. In fact it bothers me that people would assume that behavior from me, due to my intense RSD I absolutely cannot stand the notion of someone being scared of me, and it’s rough to manage that when I’m six feet tall, over 300 pounds, and have a deep, booming voice. The autism tends to give me resting pissed off face too. So I tend to mostly try and leave people alone. And frankly, I didn’t give much thought to the notion of dating someone who is mid-transition and still figuring themselves out, only to go down a path that I would find physically unattractive and creating an incredibly painful situation where I end up hurting them. So again, probably something I don’t have the emotional intelligence to navigate safely.
I find the energy trans people have to be incredibly admirable, though. The courage it takes to live authentically in a world that largely wants you dead for it is amazing. Maybe that’s what makes me find them so attractive. Again, it’s their power level.
This is apparently a super common thought for trans women who haven’t realized yet. Along the lines of “why do I keep ending up attracted to lesbians?”
I’ve explored this thoughtspace and I’m pretty secure in my gender, really, just not in the idea of being manly or masculine in the traditional sense. Since, you know, that requires integrating with patriarchy and controlling people with violence.