I am still very early in this whole process, and there is still a lot of self doubt, so I am reading a lot of literature on “Am I trans” and dysphoria.
One concept that people often like to propose in these ressources is the button that makes you the opposite gender, and, crucially, also makes everyone else believe that you have been that way forever.
I don’t really like this, because my time as a boy/man is part of who I am. I would not be me without it, and despite all of the problems I had and have due to my gender, it is still part of who I am. I fought through all of this and worked to find out who I want to be by myself. I wouldn’t wanna be cis, and I also don’t want to cease being the me born out of this struggle.
I kind of relate to that. I also feel bad about myself whenever I think that I’m trans because it feels like I’m betraying my gender at birth. I’m in a male dominated field and part of my motivation to do well is because it feels like a ‘fuck you’ to the men that tried to undermine me. If I were to transition I would lose that motivation and part of my self worth in some way. So I feel like I need to choose between experiencing gender dysphoria and losing my self worth. Hard choice. I’m trying to change that situation slowly though.
This reminds me of a program I heard on Radiolab about the first “female” gondolier in Venice (a 900 year old tradition of men only) whose egg cracked after shattering the glass ceiling. He discusses the conflict between his pride and defiance to even attempt this and his newly recognized identity as another man.
It’s a good listen (or read, if you prefer to read the transcript)
https://radiolab.org/podcast/gondo