Hi Everyone! I’m planning on adding stuff here but first enjoy your new weekly mega <3
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society if HRT made you look like ur favorite anime girl instead of your mom
flyingcarsandshit.png
hrt actually made look exactly like my fursona, it’s crazy
I look like if my mom and dad had a baby
excuse me! i look like my grandma
lovely weather today. it snowed on top of frozen over roads. fell on my ass, thankfully i have a delicious cushion these days.
getting to actually have an ass is probably my single favorite part of E
soft skin, thicc thighs and a fat ass
We weren’t just at capacity today, we weren’t just at surge capacity today, we were over surge capacity and it didn’t let up. This isn’t sustainable. I don’t know what they’re going to do, we have to turn these sick kids away. Even the emergency appys, I’m sorry it’s a patient safety issue. We don’t have the staff and we’re running out of literal beds. They have to get moved to another hospital
It’s been a frustrating few days, never let up once. Understaffed, way too many kids, support has been pretty nil, fuck. We’re probably going on strike by March. Dunno what the fuck is gonna happen.
i found a great guide to lesbian hashtags on xiaohongshu that others may also benefit from
http://xhslink.com/a/1nEovI1qZzj4
i even found a couple transgender folks today!
yapping about suicidal thoughts, agency in life
I think about how much time I wasted living with my parents during COVID. If someone had told me I could quit my job, I would’ve left after a week instead of 3 years. If someone had suggested moving out, finding a roommate, I would’ve done it in 2022. Instead it took me until late 2024 to do anything for myself.
But everyone in my life was fine with watching me, well, kill myself. It was a passive suicide but I was intent on dying. I can’t pretend that’s not what it was. I can’t pretend I didn’t silently live there for years just waiting to be saved, or just to die. It will always feel like I failed to build relationships sufficient enough to work myself out of an unworkable situation. It will always be my fault. And sometimes I think about the four years I wasted and it’s like, there’s no catching up. I’m a toddler with a master’s degree. Hopelessly stunted.
Like, why. Why didn’t they say “do you like your job?” “Do you miss music?” “it’s weird that you stopped doing things you love literally overnight” “Wendy nobody has heard from you in 2 years.” “Wendy why did you leave the group chat?” “Wendy why did you post that stuff about doing that?” Maybe they wanted me to get worse. Maybe everyone said “Wendy wants to die and far be it from me to intervene”.
I truly would have left. I would’ve moved out, I would’ve tried. I would’ve done something if it felt like it had mattered to anyone in my life, but it didn’t and doesn’t. If someone had been there to help me figure some of this out, I would have felt like I could try. Am I stupid? Like what am I not getting, what am I not seeing here. I’ve helped people make decisions before and when i had to make a decision, I had nobody. Was I literally supposed to say “I think the events of the novel coronavirus lockdown have left me with irreparable mental trauma and trust issues, would you be willing to aid me in the emotional healing journey that is required for my return to polite society so i may be less of a stupid baby”?
I don’t know. I don’t know. Why do people let people stay stuck. I was withering away and the people who know me best, they approved. I shudder to think about if I had gone through with something, and nobody knew a goddamn thing about me.
If I admitted that I think about 2020 on a daily basis, and the events that caused my education to be interrupted, is that normal? Is that indicative of a bigger problem? Is anything indicative of anything? At some point, something’s gotta be a big enough problem that someone else in my life will grant some sort of legitimacy to the things I have experienced. Do people not sense or notice the feelings of others? am I just wrong in thinking that people would sense that something was up?
pleakley is pissed
If someone had told me I really really really would have figured this out. That nobody did can only mean that they didn’t care if I made it through, right? There’s so much I could do and say and be if I had someone who showed me even half a breadcrumb of any sort of emotion. You don’t know what it’s like to fully absorb and internalize that nobody cares about you and see it in the world. You don’t know what it’s like to need to be shown some kindness to even begin to consider the possibility that you can handle anything on your own, that you aren’t some horrible monster who will make everyone scream if you try and show up in spaces as yourself. You don’t know what it’s like to have every attempt to initiate anything go so horribly that you internalize that you cannot make the first move and that people have to come to you. You don’t know what it’s like to have everyone in your life view you as a background character or an accessory or someone to ignore or someone to contain or someone to placate. You don’t know what it;s like to just sit and imagine your own death for years at a time and just want someone to tell you that they’d be upset if you drowned yourself. Because my friends weren’t there for me, but the intrusive thoughts were. WHERE WERE YOU.
I don’t know if you know what it’s like to just surrender to the idea that you might do it and nobody is even aware you’re having these thoughts, be it from a moral belief rthat I shouldn’t bother others, social anxiety, depression, gender dysphoria. Nobody is willing to sit down with a depressed person and help them connect the dots, observe the wreckage, what went wrong, what caused trauma, why does it affect you, how does it affect you, i am here for you, you are not alone, emotional comfort and actionable solutions that involve community building instead of just addressing symptoms in isolation and checking in in half a year to see if you’re still weird, or whatever.
This was me trying to be easy to connect with. This was me asking for help. I am at no point not asking for help because I am at no point not depressed. So the idea that I have to keep raking myself over the coals to explain myself perfectly to everyone so that someone might understand is genuinely tearing me apart. Suicide is not suicide. Making me ask direct questions is.
I wasted so much of the last several years self-isolating and making zero progress with anything in life, so I sympathize.
I came out to my mom, the last person I really cared to tell. And I mean on the bright side it could have been significantly worse. She told me she loved me and was sorry I was going it alone for so long, and suspected a conversation like this would happen eventually. She thought I might be gay and was waiting on me to tell her. Butttttttttt then I told her my name and pronouns and if she would have told me it was a cute name, I would have cried some good solid happy tears. But she didn’t. She said “I’m not sure I’d be able to use that yet. You’ll have to give me time.” Which to me reads like that’s never going to happen.
my mom was the same when i came out to her a few months ago, had the “oh i’m not surprised but i just thought you were gay” and the “i might need time to use your name and pronouns.”
spoiler
i wanted to give her some grace, figured it can take people some time to unlearn a reflex, but when it didn’t seem like she was putting in any effort or taking it seriously. i had to have a talk with her about it. i tried to explain how much it hurt in a way that wasn’t too aggressive or accusatory, but she just listed off things she thought proved she cared for me and respected my transness despite (in her words) “not updating her vocabulary in the timeframe i felt was appropriate.”
…the next time talked to her i got pretty blunt, told her that deadnaming or misgendering me was basically calling me a slur and that the “appropriate timeframe” to stop slurring is immediately, that she can’t care for or love or respect me if she can’t even address me with basic respect and dignity. i was very lucky and that got through to her, and she improved pretty quickly if for no other reason than she understood better how important it is to me.
obviously you know your own relation with your mom and your own relationship with conflict better than i do, but it may be helpful to be blunt with her about it? idk… i’m sorry if this isn’t helpful or if you’re not looking for advice
i hope she turns up for you. i hope she gives you the love and respect you deserve
I want to be a daughter so freaking bad
Find a Mommy!
I am currently accepting applications.
1·3 hours agoThat requires going outside and talking to people
I did the hike. Very beautiful, but very cold. I’m still thawing and I got back a while ago.
Ok but it was really worth it, I got some beautiful pictures
Hello trans thread, I have been in a three month depression hole because I got unlawfully fired. I had to move out of my apartment because my unemployment isn’t enough to cover it. I am fortunate enough to be living with my partner. I also ran out of my medications, which has been even worse for my mind and caused me to go through withdrawals. Today is the first day in three months that I am going to bother to dress well or wear makeup, because spite is simply the most powerful motivator I have ever known. Death to America and death to all fascists.
Hope things get better
Just had the most packed weekend ever with my partner, including going dancing two nights in a row. I’m happy we spent yesterday laughing and loving (and going to brunch lol) instead of dooming.
I love them so much
Relatives have been checking up on me concerned due to the anti-gsrm proclamations of late. Due to where I live and what I interact with I’m a bit more worried about the end of birthright citizenship and wanton deportations without giving AF if who they pick up isn’t Latin@ or is a US citizen, they’re all going to the same place. So many Born in East LA but unfunny horror stories already happen irl and no one gaf. When I was younger I thought of emigrating out to MX to be yet another digital expat, or maybe to continue on to an advanced degree, I’m so old and broke now idk how realistic that is. I do have some savings, but not enough to start in another country lvl. My spoken Spanish is horrific and there’s no one to practice with around here.
I’m the mood for storytime, when my mom worked in agriculture when younger immigration did a sweep and picked up a few Oklahomans along with the rest, they were seriously so power tripping they were thinking about deporting them until some other official had them calm the fuck down. When people think Murikkkan its usually a bit of a southerner, so no one is safe from what’s coming
. She also had a series of stories about a nice undocumented Canadian she worked with, eventually he ended up getting caught in a sweep.HRT I have a decent stockpile not just from fearing the eventual scapegoating, but my constant insurance cuts, which I’m facing again. T is a lot more forgiving storage wise and time wise than one would guess off
, real people to listen to are body builders, no damn joke. If I had a question its them or my endo. Anyway, for injections I’ve found vet supplies to be cheaper than Amazon when they have sales.I’m at the point in my transition like many where I can’t go back in the closet, I never really cis-passed very well, so this was always going to happen regardless of what the fools want.
CW bathroom violence story when I was younger
spoiler
So I have PCOS and always had the blessing of facial hair, then some generic appearance things like I have a very masc face.
When I was in late middle school or early high school, mom had just some legal trouble and I was at the nearest Walmart and had to use the bathroom. Some old lady accused me of being a boy-man in the bathroom and began to fight me off with her heavy ass purse and have a flip out about it. Other women in the bathroom ignored her or sat around like bumps on a log. I immediately told grandma about it who was like ‘oh well, it happens, just don’t tell your mom’.
CW: dysphoria bit health
spoiler
Sometimes I take herbal supplements to help out melatonin or my actual sleep med. One I use and also cook with is mugwort. Mugwort’s nice in cakes and dumplings and has a unique herbal flavor, I also find it a bit of a lucid dream cheating-tier aid. I was chatting with a chatbot trying to see what it could pop out about mugwort’s various properties and more recipes, and I get to read its actually purposely used to regulate/cause periods. Oops. I usually take or eat it when I’m at my most stressed. I feel sort of silly, I can probably replace it with fenugeek or something flavor wise. I seriously wonder if that’s been a decent contributor to my current issues all this time. I never thought of mentioning it to my doctors since food isn’t exactly medicine.
I imagine there’s gonna be more than one Chicano who is gonna be swept up in deportations, yknow they were in the west and Cali and Texas and then America decided it’ll take that now and bam now you’re gonna get deported 150 years later cause your great great great grandparents didn’t leave.
bathrooms
Fuckin bathroom cops, fuck off
mugwort
In more traditional medicine, mugwort can help circulation issues and yeah apparently can help regulate menstruation if someone’s got an irregular or, uh, chunky one lol
If you want something herbal but helps with sleep, valerian is pretty good. But it does have quite an interesting flavor (to put it nicely). And of course lavender is supposed to help out, they put that in everything sleepy time - and lavender has a good flavor too!
doomy bad vibes
Boy howdy am I dooming today. Worrying that it is too late to get a passport, and even thinking about leaving sucks given how many painful conversations I’ve had with my partner about it - in short, he’s not going anywhere, and the idea that I might have to causes obvious stress in our relationship. He says that he will protect me but like, if shit hits the fan he won’t be able to.
I live in a deep blue area which might provide a little layer of protection, but does that just mean I’ll be even more entrenched and trapped when the liberals roll over and turn me in?
Aaaaaaaaaa I just started a long shift at work, and can’t just distract myself because my clients are also dooming about this stuff.
got banned from [email protected] like an hour after banning a .world mod for transphobia. (link)
not using [email protected] is probably for the best, from a self care standpoint anyways.
So what the fuck should we do now. Im really considering leaving the country
before you consider that, consider if any country will let you… So far in my searches i’d be stuck with paying huge dollars for a golden visa (lol fml) to a impoverished country or area, or …well nothing, if anyone has insights on that i am all ears.
I’m in a unique position where I work for a company that is international. I’m applying to jobs in Europe today, they will cover my visa. But my partner, idk. She is gonna try the same thing with her job … but maybe can just work remote. It’s unclear. I don’t want to leave though as much as the US sucks it is my home.
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Hmm, maybe I should go on a hike today. checks temperature oh that’s right it’s really cold. I still might do it, tbh.
There’s also snow everywhere. It’s kind of pushing me to do it, haven’t hiked in the snow in a long time.
Winter walks, hikes and outdoors is amazing. Also, a great day to get out, probably not much will happen today on new orders, you should give things some time to settle. I’m stuck at work doing practically nothing but, well this, nothing work related. The snow also makes things quieter.
If you happen to live in a deep blue state, exactly how much fear should you be feeling right now? My first impression is that not a whole lot will change for me except being unable to change legal sex on my passport
The language is vague, but the EO could be interpreted as mandating a federal bathroom ban for any federal buildings.
