Hi everybody! My schedule has been really unforgiving, so I may or may not end up writing something and making changes to the post later in the week.

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  • BountifulEggnog [she/her]@hexbear.netEnglish
    6·
    3 days ago
    depression, negativity, etc

    I was thinking earlier about other paths my life could have gone down. And I don’t see how things could have ended up differently, with being trans. Being trans has given me horrible, horrible depression. I remember “the spark” fading when puberty hit, and my depression getting really bad 15/16~ when more effects were more noticeable. It has not gotten better. I don’t think it will get better. Being trans, the dysphoria, the social side, it has ruined me.

    There have been so many things I’ve wanted to do, engage with, etc. That I haven’t. Because I’ve been depressed. And I believe being trans is the center of all of it. Its what makes the most sense.

    I don’t see how its escapable. I am broken. My body is a prison. I feel alienated. I am not like them. I will not be understood. I am hated for being defective. I’m never going to be comfortable around people. Around myself. Its just suffering, literally forever, until I put a stop to it.

    I don’t want to be depressed for the rest of my life. I’ve met people who were- and it seems horrible. I don’t want to be a self hating, alcoholic 40 year old one day. I don’t want to be empty, and bitter, and hateful the rest of my life. I want to feel normal again.

    It has all been ruined. I can’t escape depression. The cause- the issue- is me. I am just broken. There’s not a fix. I’m going to keep coping, at least for a bit, with distractions, and talking with people, and probably some less healthy things too. But I don’t want to cope forever. I don’t want to be depressed forever. If life is just depression, maybe its not worth it. I still- can’t believe this has happened to me. What a horrible, cruel fate. I don’t deserve this.

    I just want to feel normal again. Be normal. Act normally, I want to live my life normally, I want the depression to stop. I want the dysphoria to stop. I want to enjoy life again. Its just… all tied back to being trans. And I feel like hardly anyone understands. Not like being understood would change anything. There’s no changing. Cutting it off here because I’ll just loop on this, over and over, like I have been for hours. I hope I got the gist across.

    self harm fantasy, vent, kinda extreme so maybe just ignore.

    I want to slice my arms open. Feel the blood, the rush… god if scars weren’t an issue I’d have done it there so many times. I want it so bad. I have never been able to do the self harm I want to do- before I die I will. One of the last things I do on this earth will be slicing my left forearm open. I have wanted to for years and years at this point.