Trump sues JPMorgan Chase and Jamie Dimon for at least $5bn
www.theguardian.com
US president alleges JP Morgan stopped offering him banking services in wake of January 6 attack
  • miz [any, any]@hexbear.netEnglish
    29·
    2 months ago

    when I was a kid if you had told me a sitting president would some day sue the largest bank, I’d have imagined such a bright future of corporate accountability

        • InevitableSwing [none/use name]@hexbear.netOPEnglish
          7·
          2 months ago

          Trump’s lawyer meets with a bunch of Dimon’s lawyers…

          “Look, we got you. We got you. Here’s the deal. You wanna make this go away? You give my client 500 million that’s million with just an ‘m’ plus you finance a small project - very, very small project - my client wants. 500 million is what you spend before lunch every day at least.”

          “What ‘very, very small project’?”

          “Melania’s movie Melania was 40 mil and this is the president so it’s a real bargain for you at only 50 mil.”

          “On what?”

          “My client’s movie President. Just President. No ‘the’. Trump is bigger - so much bigger - very, very large - than ‘the’. And it’s gotta have a bigger, better font.”

          “Bigger, better font?”

          “Ask your designer guys. Bigger, better, thicker too.”

          “In gold.” Somebody snickers.

          The lawyer glares at the snickerer. “Not gold - you fuck. Black will do. But I’m gonna tell Trump and then if he wants - you’ll get pulled out your bed in the middle of the night, bones broken, and taken to The Pit and they’ll remove the gold from your teeth. Any other jokes? Anybody? I got other things to do today. Write it up so I can get it to my client.”

          “…You mean right now?”

          “Right now - you idiots. How many of you guys wanna go to The Pit? And turn that monitor on to Fox News so I got something to do while you fuckos finish. Oh, meeting adjourned. Right?”

          They silently start leaving the room. Trump’s lawyer ostentatiously takes out a JPMorgan business card and starts using it like dental floss. “You, Gold Fillings. Yeah - you. Get over here and serve as my ottoman. Now fucker now! Chop-chop!” Gold Fillings starts taking off his suit jacket. "No! Leave that on! Get over here now!’

    • InevitableSwing [none/use name]@hexbear.netOPEnglish
      10·
      2 months ago

      “Lotsa people don’t know this but if you’re Trump - it can’t be a bribe.” He pretends and badly too that he’s indignant. “I only accept contributions to Make America Great Again. Buy my bible or give me a new Air Force One - same-same.”

    • InevitableSwing [none/use name]@hexbear.netOPEnglish
      5·
      2 months ago

      Couldn’t he simply forge some documents? He controls the FBI and the DOJ. If they did anything at all - all they’d prop up his lies. Also - he controls the IRA IRS among other things. Trump could have every high-level JPMorgan exec audited for the last 10 years. And since Trump controls every other federal government thing - that could be only the beginning of their pain.

      It’s easier and far simpler to give Trump a number and make him stop. Bezos spent $40 million to make Melania’s documentary. It was essentially a fee to please Trump. And he’ll probably only recoup a very tiny amount of that. JPMorgan could offer Trump - I dunno - $100M and keep the deal secret with a mass of NDAs so then Trump could go brag about his big, big win to the media.