Marked NSFW as I’m gonna be talking about being horny and genitals and stuff!
I’ve been wondering about this one for a little while now. I suppose I’m looking for… Idk… Acknowledgement? Someone to go “Yep you’re some flavor of %s.” at me?
Honestly I don’t really like “microlabels”. Don’t get me wrong, they can be useful! But they can also be kinda niche. Language relies on people knowing what words mean, and when the other party doesn’t know what a word means the process of language stalls.
Personally I’m more into using “umbrella labels” and then having a brief phrase/description to describe how you are. For me labels are for quickly telling someone what I am, not my identity.
Anyway I’m probably still some level of aromantic. Now much like autism and ADHD, asexuality and aromanticism usually “feeds into each other”. They very often show up together and are somewhat interlinked. This is one of the reasons.
Now to preface: I like women. Women pretty! I very much do feel lust, and I enjoy it.
The other reason is that: The concept of genital based sex doesn’t really appeal to me? It doesn’t gross me out either.
The concept of sticking my dick into another woman doesn’t do anything for me. I might enjoy being penetrated?
But then again I enjoy shoving a tube up my ass and pumping air into my intestines, so honestly it’s difficult to tell! (Yeah that NSFW flag is absolutely earned.)
Anything that involves stuff like licking genitals or putting them in one’s mouth triggers the disgust mechanism in my brain. That shit is nasty!
Also I don’t like vagina.
Perhaps I’m just a “side”. I could very well be one of those but…
Well I’m only occasionally aroused by genitals.
My kinks though? Those work! Those always work, and they hold priority over other forms of lust I have.
This is why I’m asking. I’m very much kink driven, not… Well I guess you would call it “sex driven” wouldn’t you?
Edit: I forgot to mention this, but I very much like the idea of cuddling!
Especially the idea of her using me like some sort of “living plushie” where she can touch and squeeze me where ever she wants for her own pleasure, especially my dick.
(Blushes in arousal.)
So… Yeah.
You must log in or register to comment.
As someone else said, PIV isn’t the only kind of sex. Almost anything can be a sexual interaction as long as everyone involved consents and is having a good time (definitions of “a good time” may vary). Queer people have been great at figuring this kind of stuff up and being creative with sensuality precisely because up until very recently, there wasn’t a “this is what sex is” hegemony as there has been for straight people for ages.
For an example on how queer people have been experimenting with alternative ways to have sexual contact, read the “how to fuck Trans women” pamphlet. It was eye-opening in making me see sex looks very different if you want to bypass things like dysphoria.
If the label is useful to you, go for it, but to me it sounds like you have a sexual desire, just that it doesn’t express the way cishet hegemony suggests is the only way to “actually” have sex, so idk if ace really captures your complexities.
For an example on how queer people have been experimenting with alternative ways to have sexual contact, read the “how to fuck Trans women” pamphlet.
Annoying alert but important, Fucking Trans Women can be found at https://www.mirabellwether.com/2025/08/03/purchase-ftw/ and bought. When the author died she left the rights to her sister, so buying it supports her family which is cool. Zine was originally hosted at http://fuckingtranswomen.org/
A lot of presumably cis people make the mistake that FTW is a literally useful primer on the sexuality of trans women, which is a mistake imo. It’s not really about the inguinal canals, like you say it’s about the perspective the zine takes and is useful for disabusing people of compulsory cishet normativity, and bioessentialist stuff about sex. It rocks.
ⓘ Remember to enable JPEG-XL support in your browser, even on your phone!
Thank you for posting the right name and all the links!
Definitely that’s the vibe I got from it: that there isn’t a single definition or way to give or receive pleasure, and that it can be as or more fulfilling than hegemonic ideas on how to have sex, especially for people whose bodies don’t conform to hegemony in the first place
I’m greyace myself and while no two people’s experiences will ever line up perfectly, I too don’t really like a lot of “vanilla” sex stuff, but am into more fetishy things compared to a normal person and find just regular sex to be an unpleasant experience, most sex acts in general tbh.
As someone who is greyace but doesn’t really understand it, I still feel sexual attraction, but not the way allosexuals seem to, sex is something I really need to be in the right mindset for and a lot of sexual activity makes me very uncomfortable, I just flat out don’t get the “drop everything to have sex” urge that allosexuals apparently have. But I too am much more interested in kink stuff than more vanilla things.
Though be careful with the inflation stuff! It’s not my area, but I know people who are into that and it can get pretty dangerous if you’re not careful, so make sure you always put safety first (same goes with any kink stuff though)
I just flat out don’t get the “drop everything to have sex” urge that allosexuals apparently have.
That’s a thing?
I mean if I see a woman who’s incredibly hot I’ll get quite aroused by her, but I don’t go all “I MUST BAAAAAAANG!!!”
I’ll just sit there and admire her greatly. Maybe compliment her if I think I won’t come off as creepy.
Though be careful with the inflation stuff! It’s not my area, but I know people who are into that and it can get pretty dangerous if you’re not careful, so make sure you always put safety first (same goes with any kink stuff though)
Don’t worry I’m aware of that!
That’s a thing?
Watch any tv show or movie or watch any ad, allosexual culture seems downright hypersexual, it might be more noticable as a cis guy myself, but our culture always tries to push this idea of “if you don’t want sex 24/7, you’re not a real man” sort of toxic masculinity.
Does the ace label feel useful to you? (semi) Sex-favourable ace? Gray ace maybe? One of those aces with the kink special interest? That’s pretty much what it comes down to.
You don’t seem allosexual to me, at the very least. You can always just say that you’re ace, and be done with it. I relate about the microlabels: I like a lot of them, but randoms even online may well not even know what gray-ace means, so I just use asexual broadly and do whatever else I want. I find that’s good enough most times.
So I guess, do whatever makes you feel good. Use label or do not based on if it’s useful to you or is fun, I guess. There aren’t rules about it, other than that I’d raise an eyebrow if you said you were allosexual.
Also Today I Learned that you can pump air into your intestines.
ⓘ Remember to enable JPEG-XL support in your browser, even on your phone!
Thanks!
Also Today I Learned that you can pump air into your intestines.
Something like an aquarium pump yes. Stomach inflation and all of that.
A good starting point for information would be the LGBTQIA+ Wiki and their Asexual page which goes into it pretty thoroughly and into subsections if you want to find out more specifics. Everyone is different in regards to labels but I know I found it useful to better define my experience, I say I’m ace to people whom it doesn’t really matter to know where on the spectrum I sit in regards to the asexual side of things.
Can I talk about myself to try and relate to you? I don’t have anything insightful to say but I’d like to talk to you about the subject.
of course, WDYMP, you're so chill and cool (just kidding, it ended up being a rant); thanks for asking
I often times wish I were ace. I feel weak to sex. Like I can know it’s not a particularly good idea, but if I have a prospective partner who’s interested I can’t fucking help myself. At some level all relationships are FAFO, right? To me it’s a miracle that anyone gets along with anyone else. So it becomes this moment of “look, I stumbled into this rare, special thing that feels good, I wonder if they will also honor it with the reverence it deserves.” And of course they don’t. Why would they? For the grand majority of people that talk to me like that, romance and sex are something so meaningless or unimportant that it’s not even worth presenting oneself as interested in knowing me.
I wish it were meaningless and unimportant to me too! Rather, I wish I didn’t want to interact with them at all. I wish I could focus instead of getting horny. So saying I’m ace feels like saying I’m straight if I were to constantly seek out sexual interactions of people of my same gender. It just feels like it doesn’t describe the situation very accurately or communicate anything meaningful. A gay person might wish to be straight but that’s more trivia than predictive to who they’re going to get with.
Like I don’t know if I’m aro or if all the relationships I’ve been in have been with losers. Like maybe I’m the loser because I believe people can talk about things, contribute to discussions with more than receiving information, and ultimately communicate back anything besides verdicts about things they didn’t talk about when I asked. Maybe I’m a secret fucking genius because I behave as more than a glorified relationship compiler. If the focus is on things that work or are cool, then I excel. If the focus is on any kind of prolonged caring about someone I’m dead in the water because they just get bored. Like there’s some consistent unspeakable horror that comes from intimacy with me.
I aspire to one day be asked a follow up question IRL. It’s a bit of a hyperbole, but a couple years ago I was on a first date with someone who I naively shared some pages of my writing with. They asked me a question about it showing that they at least opened the file and read a page or two. Though they didn’t want a second date, I think about that moment more than some people I have been in a relationship with.
I highly recommend continuing to question yourself. It’s a healthy thing to do after all!
You said it yourself labels are for communication and highly specific things don’t have universally known labels. After reading this post it seems to me you have a decently granular understanding of what you like so I think the obvious answer is to just communicate it to any potential partners.
Everyone’s got their shtick when it comes to sex and many don’t have a concrete understanding of their own preferences. It’s so frustrating trying to play with someone who either refuses to communicate what they like/don’t like or doesn’t even know.
Some people may only want to do specific things in a sexual context but personally (and I know I’m not alone in this), I just want to feel good and make the other person feel good. To accomplish the latter I’m down to do anything that doesn’t cause permanent damage of some kind (or involves excrement directly).
I’m not any kinda ace so feel free to disregard this last bit: from a communication standpoint I think asexual does a poor job communicating your preferences based on this post. The idea that penetration = sex is heteronormative bullshit. Orgasms are also not required imo (they’re just really cool).
Edit: I just wanted to add that preferences will change over time and there’s nothing wrong with that regardless of how they change.
Everyone’s got their shtick when it comes to sex and many don’t have a concrete understanding of their own preferences. It’s so frustrating trying to play with someone who either refuses to communicate what they like/don’t like or doesn’t even know.
…WAT.
You’re telling me people go in for a hookup and then just “shut their mouth”?
I just want to feel good and make the other person feel good.
Same.
The idea that penetration = sex is heteronormative bullshit. Orgasms are also not required imo (they’re just really cool).
That is a good point.
forgive me for jumping in, but as somebody with weirder sexual needs it’s absolutely a nightmare. My one major relationship with a cis-femme was a fucking micro-sexual revolution for her.
i was the first partner to give a shit about her needs, i was the first one to talk openly and earnestly about my and her needs and sex generally
literally every cis woman i get close to, who I didn’t meet in a kinky (or pagan lol) circle basically ends up radicalized by accident just because i don’t fucking mess around with that stuff and create communication channels for those things when they’re relevant.
and it’s really depressing. Cis men can be even worse. Even when I find one that like, understands trans women enough to not be a freak, there is a whole world inside them tightly wound up to prevent it from being seen by the outside world, and it’s mostly made up of repressed sexual needs and the toxic pathologies that emerge from binding them.
You’re telling me people go in for a hookup and then just “shut their mouth”?
It’s an absolute PLAGUE on the world of hetero sex. Sexual repression go brrrrrr
I’ve only ever seen it in mlm when someone doesn’t know what they like yet or they just like being used. Being used is fine but I’m just not a “user” in my heart.
Also: if you haven’t tried bottoming I highly recommend it to anyone with a prostate and a decent pain tolerance.
