The discussion we really need to have is whether or not it’s appropriate to bring your own beans to a pride parade and just eat them straight out the can without even heating them up.
BYOB
you depend on our protection
yet you feed us beans from the tablecloth
i fucking hate kink at pride discourse
im sex repulsed and kink doesn’t trigger it at all, but you know what does? like every fucking pop song with explicit mentions to straight sex. or action movies randomly shoving a hyper male-gazey sex scene in. why the fuck is a leather harness considered too taboo but those are totally normally
real
its the constant, casual allosexuality and alloromanticism creeping into every crevice of human life that rly fucks with me
the constant reminders of ‘your friends will never consider you important as someone they’re smashing privates (or hoping to) with’, ‘society won’t consider you an adult until you get a partner’, and ‘some [a lot
] of people are nice just for sex’ stuff that gets to meand how all this means that basically every media has romance and sex–if it doesn’t the fans will turn every platonic interaction into a sexualromantic thing because “people just don’t [hug/cuddle/be a decent human being] unless they want sex or romance”
And even if there is sex or romance, fans will turn all the platonic relationships sexual anyway because “they have better chemistry” or “it’s obvious Sam really wants to sex/romance Frodo; there’s no other reason he’d go so far for him”
just,
your friends will never consider you important as someone they’re smashing privates (or hoping to) with
I mean, this sounds like you need more ace friends, but also people will have different priorities based on shared interests anyways, it’s just reaaaaallly obvious with sex because allonormativity inflates how often people talk about it and how important people see it as. Like if you have a friend you play Catan with every night you’re going to grow more attached to them than other friends, it seems relatively normal to me, though that doesn’t excuse allonormativity treating sex as more important than things like Catan.
Alternatively if this is coming from a place of allo people straight-up abandoning you in times of need (in favor of something trivial with their partners) than those sound like very shitty friends.
Sorry if this is invalidating, idk how to phrase my feelings or put together my thoughts in a encompassing way here. I want it to be comforting but as an allo person I’m also being kind-of defensive here and honestly I’m worried about that being a toxic behavior from me, I can delete this if it’s offensive/invalidating/unhelpful.
Sorry if this is invalidating, idk how to phrase my feelings or put together my thoughts in a encompassing way here. I want it to be comforting but as an allo person I’m also being kind-of defensive here and honestly I’m worried about that being a toxic behavior from me
No worries comrade.
Your Catan comparison is spot on tbh. I’d only add that that allonormativity also says “it is more important to play catan with someone you are sexing with than a regular friend”
I think that’s somewhat allonormativity, but also a big chunk of people who have intertwined sex/romance drives, so that specifically is kind of a clusterfuck
yea, i get really brainwormy about my friends not caring about me enough as their romantic partners. doesn’t help that every single fucking time a friend of mine gets a romantic partner they suddenly never want to spend any time with me anymore. cos it’s totally normalized in society that you should prioritize romantic partners so heavily, ugh.
im ace but not aro, and i’ve stayed in toxic relationships for way too long just because of the fear of not being important to anyone if im not in a relationship
every single fucking time a friend of mine gets a romantic partner they suddenly never want to spend any time with me anymore. cos it’s totally normalized in society that you should prioritize romantic partners so heavily
Stay safe comrade, sucks out there sometimes
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internalized assumptions about whether or not someone actually values you
Less assumption, more observation that sometimes some of my friends will disappear for indeterminate amounts of time because they’ve found partners then reappear when relationship ends
angry at a lot of other people about it. I’d encourage you to consider that these larger cultural dynamics are a lot like capitalism and other systems
I’d encourage you to consider that I’m angry at those larger systems and my post was about those larger systems. Just as when e.g. my grandmother says something racist I have anger both at her and the larger system.
as individuals we are near powerless to change them, and we’ll die tired and angry if we spend our energies raging against them
I…don’t? I made two hexbear comments when prompted by mention of kink at pride discourse.
If we want to see change in the larger social world, we need to join with organizations to do so
I…have? Was at a party meeting just last night
So for your own sanity, spend your efforts and energy on the things that are close to you that you can change, friends and family. Build your supportive circles so you can have some more enjoyment in your own personal life.
I…am? Again I made two hexbear comments complaining about the systemic normalisation of allosexual/romantic values, I’m not sure why you seem (sorry for assuming) to think this is consuming me constantly
I’m sorry, I read way more tone into what you had written. I did get then impression that you were really distressed, and I was pretty tired when I posted. Please disregard my comment.
That is the problem. It isn’t male gaze enough. There is a risk in is for male gays. Unacceptable to society
leather harness should be taboo for completely different reasons lol
hisses approvingly in her vegan leather skirt
they gotta call it like Leath’r or something like they do with “chick’n” or “be’f” lol and yes be’f is real see the image
Pleather is the word you’re looking for (unless I’m misunderstanding something)
As one of the “sex repulsed ace” folks who gets shot at / tokenised / ignored / etc by all sides
Allosexuality deeply normalised and world is scream. Can’t use goddamn pleading emotes anymore because the goddamn allosexuals stole the goddamn emote to mean “bottom” and have turned anxious behaviours, nervousness, etc, into sexualised “bottom behaviour” to contrast “top behaviour” (fucking hell my fellow queers have recreated masculine and feminine gender roles down to their association with sexual behaviour! Infuriating!).
Also its fucking creepy that “pickup line” “stutter/blush/etc” “kissing / etc” being taken as “consent” is BACK but now its fine bc its gay?
Like god i don’t want my anxieties taken as “i just secretly want the hornies??”
Oh and the jokes from other queers about turning everyone gay etcetc and i’m like “fuck you i don’t wanna be gay i hate this whole sex and romance thing”
So yeah notta fun month here ! ! !
Turning bottom/top into a personality is so frustrating. The fact that people can’t see how heteronormative it is is wild. I think a lot of it comes from how many people have discovered their sexuality online instead of in IRL communities. Few people top or bottom 100% of the time. But that doesn’t matter much for your situation.
Queer culture is always going to revolve around sex and romance, for better or for worse. What do you want from the queer community? Friendship? This is one of those situations where having more community outside of bars and nightclubs would help a lot. Those places are more sexually charged and less geared towards deep conversation. Hopefully you can find a fun queer community center of some kind to hang out in.
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Real
What do you want from the queer community? Friendship? This is one of those situations where having more community outside of bars and nightclubs would help a lot.
I would like solidarity and for other queer people to not make me feel less queer because I’m not into sex or romance. I dont go to nightclubs, so Im afraid that advice is not very relevant.
Queer culture is always going to revolve around sex and romance, for better or for worse.
Indeed, and that makes me sad and depressed. I dont imagine/think/want it to change, but I feel like i should be at least allowed to complqin about how alienating it is
lmao I think you misread it. I was saying that having more queer community that is not bars/nightclubs would be nice. I don’t love them either.
You should complain about it, your perspective is important. I’ve always been the single person in the group, trying to be friends with people who have other obligations. Its frustrating and makes me feel less important as a friend. I wish people valued platonic relationships more. I want to do more than make someone feel less lonely while they look for a partner. I hope you find your own corner of community eventually.
ah, sorry for misreading comrade
idk if you’ve read his other posts, but he has literally accused queer people of “shoving [our] sexuality down his throat” and has accused people with a top-bottom dynamic in their relationship of being heteronormative as if he was some fucking terf vomitting out a sex negative manifesto in the 1970s. He can’t tell the difference between being sex repulsed and being a literal homophobic kinkshaming fascist.
So after your other comment itt, i’m generous enough to give you the benefit of the doub that you’re really just tired off allonormativity, but this post still rubs me the wrong way. I’m gonna keep my original gut level reaction to this deleted, but i still feel that your entire post sounds like kinkshamy, queerphobic bad faith shit hidden behind a wall of word salad. This really creeps me out and reminds me way too much of people making queer spaces irl unsafe for my friends and me.
I’m sorry to have reminded you of people IRL making queer spaces unsafe for you and your friends.
I have no idea where/why the accusation of bad faith (or especially queer and kinkphobia) is coming from, and wish you’d explain more rather than telling me that my (probably too genuine) depressed 2AM rant based on my experiences with other queer people is bad faith stuff meant to hide some real message.
I have never supported removing kink at pride. Largely I dont go to pride events bc 1. Loud and 2. Lots of people and 3. Usually unmasked people. My issues with allosexuality and romance are pmuch the same issues a lotta my gay friends have with cis romance/sexuality (i.e. its omnipresent, shoved in face, held up as super important for maturity, universal, most important relationship etcetc). Kink doesnt make me uncomfortable, as generqlly the people into various kinks arent the hegemonic group in society constantly shouting “be like me or you are worth less as a human being”.
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Yes! I’m homosexual and I agree. The “bottom” and “top” stuff is just homophobia. If anyone thinks I’m being ‘too woke’, dont tell me.
people really be trying to turn “I find this behavior cute” into some sort of objective observation as if that’s how things work. Tbh I’ve been guilty of “bottom/top” jokes and in retrospect they do seem… sus
So after your other comment itt, i’m generous enough to give you the benefit of the doub that you’re really just tired off allonormativity, but this post still rubs me the wrong way. I’m gonna delete my original gut level reaction to this, but i still feel that your entire post sounds like kinkshamy, queerphobic bad faith shit hidden behind a wall of word salad, and i can’t feel sorry for jumping down your throat when you come at my community like this.
can’t stand kinks at pride. it’s hot out, and my plants need water, but I can’t get any water because my hose is all bent
idk if it’s because I’m autistically naive or if it’s because I’m old and words meant different things back in the day, but I was under the impression that the Q part covered everything that wasn’t vanilla cishet, and that’s why “Queer” was synonymous with “weird.”
so kink just seems like an inherent part of it to me, because I thought Pride was about being out and proud about being Different from the vanilla cishet mainstream
but also I’m just some rural yokel, what do I know
idk about this. Following this logic a cis het dude into feet or BDSM would be queer and I don’t think they should count bc they aren’t being discriminated against the way a LGBT person is. I do think there’s certain kinks/ways cis het people could be considered queer but I think this definition obscures why Pride exists to begin with.
I think part of queerness is not fitting in traditional gender and/or sexuality roles. Like is the libs of Tiktok lady coming after y’all just for existing?
I’m not hating on y’all and you’re definitely welcome at Pride imo but it feels weird to say everyone who has a kink is queer when kinks are so normalized that it would basically mean everyone is queer at that point. I also feel like that definition makes things weird for asexual people (who definitely are a part of the community bc they do face similar discrimination and marginalization.)
I think part of queerness is not fitting in traditional gender and/or sexuality roles. Like is the libs of Tiktok lady coming after y’all just for existing?
I agree that it’s weird to consider it a form of queerness, but I think the libs of TikTok lady would definitely go after a lot of people just for having kinks
She doesn’t though. People in the US openly talk about sex online a lot (even in front of children) but she only goes after queer people and allies saying queer people should be allowed to exist.
I’m a solid millennial and queer and kink are basically the same thing in all of my circles too so yeah basically this.
I think the queer is short for genderqueer rather than just generalised queer/weird.
It was the + before the + iirc. It meant a lot of things, queer, genderqueer, questioning. It was meant as an umbrella term, then people added an umbrella on top of the umbrella.
I don’t want to get in the middle of this kink at pride discussion, much less define what queerness is, but I will just say that I am a very kinky cishet guy. I wouldn’t identify as queer just because I’m kinky/nonvanilla. That would seem deeply problematic to me if I did it because I don’t think my kinks queer my sexual orientation, in fact I kinda feel like my kinks in totality reinforce my cishetness. I can see how queerness and kink are mutually inclusive but I wouldn’t think that they are mutually exhaustive.
I don’t go to any of the kink-specific festivals or rallies though. I feel like they’re kinda cringe? Maybe it’s just me. I went to one once but got bored because it wasn’t kinky enough for me so I left and went to the library. I guess I expected a kinky orgy or something, I don’t know.
I think it’s more like, from the perspective of patriarchal normative society etc, kinks are seen as similarly deviant to queerness, not that they’re literally the same thing
I agree with this but in a less literal way? Idk how to phrase it
I’ll be by the Citibank gooning float
The kinks are playing at pride!?
I hope they tweak “Lola” to be less problematic. Or just do the Weird Al version.
I remember when kink scenes and DnD were the only times I could feel like the normal one in the group. I’ll defend kink till I die.
I’m excited! It’s genuinely fun to clown on the various losers / nerds / prudes who who are horrified that we Alphabet Mafia types have personality and sexuality beyond sassy gay caricatures and easily digestible stereotypes.
What we really need is Pride at Kink discourse.
A beloved tradition.
I hate this discourse but seeing it pop up on Reddit several years ago made me delete my account so I should thank it too
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kink belongs at pride because seeing weird people there makes me feel a sense of belonging
In my experience, it’s always the crackers getting on fuckshit like that-- a solid chunk of why I don’t fw white queers at all. I don’t have time to listen to aggrieved “wuhbout the kids (that shouldn’t fuckin be involved here)” from the historically weakest links in the chain. I’m so not about it this year, do not fuck around with me.
you can’t have a gay sex focused space for adults who like gay sex, that’s exclusionary to children!!! Tankie redfash (/s)
