Okay, writing the title I feel like the answer is obvious but bear with me.
Growing up, I had a male friend for 10+ years. We fell out of touch, and 5 years later I discovered that they transitioned and they now go by a different name.
Of course I’m happy for her now, but I’m not sure how to refer to her in the context of our friendship. For example, bringing up an old story to my family. Suppose her deadname is Sam and she is now called Sarah.
Should I say, Sarah and I used to…
Or Sam and I used to…
I never knew her after her transition, but I suppose she was always a her?
I don’t mean to be offensive, I’m just ignorant :)
When I came out, multiple people asked me this question, and I really don’t understand why.
Decades ago, my uncle changed his name (from a male name to another male name), and nobody asked him “well, when we refer to you in the past, should I use your old name?”
Everyone just instinctively started using his new name to refer to him, even in the past, no questions asked.
You might think it’s different for something like pronouns because they were different at the time, but it’s not. For example, if someone said, “Dr. Thompson used to go swimming in the lake when she was a child.” Nobody would say, “Oh, but she wasn’t a doctor at the time, so you shouldn’t refer to her as a doctor in the past tense.” It’s normal and intuitive to talk about people as they are now, even when referring to the past.
Trans people, for some reason, are just treated by different standards.
It seems like scholars use different names as a form of historicization. So Augustus didn’t fight a civil war with Mark Antony. It was Octavian who did so. Popes are almost always referred to by their former names when talking about their pre-pope days. I guess you could argue that papal names function more like a title than their actual names. So Robert Prevost didn’t stop becoming Robert Prevost while Pope Leo XIV is a papal name that’s not his real name.
It gets weirder for someone like Malcolm X. Technically, “Malcolm X” is the name the man adopted from the time he joined the Nation of Islam to when he left the Nation of Islam. So, “Malcolm X” the name points to a particular historical period within the man’s life just like “Malcolm Little” or “Detroit Red” were as well. The name the man himself actually wanted to be known as is El-Hajj Malik El-Shabazz. That’s his real name. Most people call El-Shabazz “Malcolm X” and some people use “Malcolm X” alongside “Malcolm Little” and “Detroit Red” as a shorthand for “when El-Shabazz was a kid” or “when El-Shabazz was part of the Nation of Islam.” It’s mostly Black Muslims and Pan-Africanists who actually call El-Shabazz the name he wanted to be remembered as.
Names are just weird.
It seems like scholars use different names as a form of historicization.
I’ll keep that in mind when I’m being historicized. This just seems so far out of the daily experience of normal people that I don’t really find it relevant.
The name the man himself actually wanted to be known as is El-Hajj Malik El-Shabazz
It seems like this is the only justification that matters. Just because everyone currently refers to him by Malcom X doesn’t mean it’s valid or correct. It just means nobody is respecting his wishes which is pretty analogous to getting deadnamed.
I’ll keep that in mind when I’m being historicized. This just seems so far out of the daily experience of normal people that I don’t really find it relevant.
I guess I’m asking because of this specific case. This is a person that I only knew before they transitioned.
for me personally i never want my deadname used again, i expect people to use my current name retroactively. i feel like this is the more common perspective, but that’s admittedly vibes based.
Hey, your vibes are more valuable than mine on the subject! I’ll use her current name and correct those who object :)
Thanks for your input!
The best practice is to just apply the current name and pronouns “retroactively” as it were. Some individual trans people may refer to their pre-transition selves differently from their post-transition selves, but just going off myself, I can only imagine that most trans people would feel super uncomfortable if not offended or humiliated or disrespected etc, with other people talking about their pre-transition that way without permission — likewise uncomfortable if not offended etc with other people asking for their permission to talk about their pre-transition that way.
So basically, if Sarah goes out of her way to say you can call her ‘Sam’ or call her ‘him’, then you can, but if she doesn’t, don’t assume it’s OK and don’t bring it up. That’s the etiquette I’d feel comfortable with, at least.
It’s also better to say transgender than transgendered.
Thanks for your answer! Sometimes it’s awkward with my parents who don’t know all my friend’s names anyway, but maybe, for example, just calling her Sarah and saying “she used to go by Sam” if there’s confusion? Just trying to understand :)
It’s also better to say transgender than transgendered.
I’ll fix my title, thank you!
just calling her Sarah and saying “she used to go by Sam” if there’s confusion?
Please, please avoid doing that if you can — there are many, many other ways to clarify who you’re talking about than using an old name. Try mentioning, say, a shared memory, or a distinctive trait about the person, and then say that she transitioned.
The important thing to keep in mind with this stuff is that anybody who knows somebody’s deadname can use that deadname to disrespect or harass that person. So even if you may think you’re using the deadname “innocuously” — whether that be because of an apparent “slip-up” or just because you figured it was OK to use the deadname “in that context” — every time you use the deadname, you’re making that deadname more prominent in other people’s memory, keeping it from getting forgotten, priming other people to “slip up” in turn, or even inadvertently teaching it to new people. And the more people who know someone’s deadname, as said, the more people have the ability to use that knowledge for evil.
In other words, even if you aren’t shooting the gun, you’re still selling the bullets, right?
Okay, I really hadn’t considered that perspective. Thanks for being patient with me 😂
I’ll just, for example, call her Sarah. If there is confusion, I’ll reference past memories?
That seems like the best idea, yes.
Thanks again!
For me, I’d prefer my deadname to never be used ever again even in relating a story prior to my transition. If you know her as Sarah now and she had similar feelings about her deadname, I’d say stick with “Sarah and I used to…”
The only exception is if she were still closeted or something. There was a middle period was I was out socially except my family and my poor mother had to deal with that weird double thing where she’d refer to me by my deadname to family and my preferred name everywhere else. Presumably now that you know, she is out and comfortable with everyone knowing
other people have already covered other aspects of this, but I’ll chime in on that last point - knowing the person or not after they transition shouldn’t really factor into it once you find out they’ve transitioned (apart from obviously having to clarify who you’re talking about to e.g. your family but in an ideal world that would be a one time thing).
I’d also add that while you will find trans people who are somewhere between ‘ok’ and ‘cool’ with using their deadname to refer to pre-transition, I think it’d be hard to find someone who would be adamant about using one name before and another name after - on the other hand it’s pretty easy to find a lot of people who will not want to be referred to in that way at all, and all things considered I would look to respect her wishes even if you no longer know her.
Thanks for your answer. I feel like she comes up infrequently enough to the point where I do sometimes have to clarify who I’m talking about.
This is one I’ve heard varying opinions on. I’d default to her preferred name, but some trans people are fine with being called their dead name in those types of contexts (stories about before their transition) However if you’re not close enough to her to be able to ask that question, I’d default to her chosen name
i invoke my dead name in the past tense to quote people talking to/at me, but otherwise i refer to past self as my chosen name.
using the new name is more respectful, helps you learn the name yourself, helps you associate that person with the new name, and using the deadname just means you’re more likely to use it in even less justifiable contexts.
I dont even hate my dead name! I made it my middle name! but absolutely still… use the new name.
I never knew her after her transition, but I suppose she was always a her?
maybe she was, maybe she wasn’t. i used to id with my agab but now I don’t. was i always agender? was that internal affirmation or an external reward for conforming? all i know is how i (don’t) feel now.
